It seems karma hit you, the drama you caused, the attention you wanted and now you got the attention you wanted but it somehow blew up. You are now a piece of gossip within the community that you’ve lost your marbles and taken on some crazy within you. You seek the attention and in a way that’s what you got. Your name is now known to a large group of people and your story is complicated between the lines of reality and fiction. You are another rumour to add to the collection and the words you said will run through all minds. Some of us were present for your misadventure and you tried to turn to me but my answer was no. Somehow the explosions of our past skipped your mind or you tried to pull me back and failed. Your actions previously have showed that I cannot have you in my life, that you were the one that caused the toxicity. You blame others for your actions without taking any responsibility yourself and that’s where we depart. You wanted attention and the drama and it’s not what I crave, I only want a quiet happiness with real people that have honest intentions and welcoming hearts.
And to think I was anxious about the whole thing and having you around me but it appears I’m not the only one that you stuffed around. You want people to feel sorry for you and pity you thus providing you with the attention you crave to spin this situation your way. But now it’s all your opportunity to revive your reputation is shattered. Everyone now knows of your illusions and the result of that. And to think you tried to pull that crap on me but since you’d said we were no longer friends I wasn’t going to help you more than I needed to. I felt a pinch of sympathy for you but that’s all. I just want to leave you out of my life, your dramatics are not needed and your acting is insane. I hope you find some help because truly I am reaching closure over here about everything that occurred between us. And I’m over it. I won’t allow you admittance into this new part of my life. You’ve shown your true colours and that’s not what I’m wanting in my life. I won’t involve myself in your life any longer and I hope you do the same. I’ll be leaving any traces of you behind and pushing forward.
You’ve shown me that what I really treasure and need is something you’re not able to bring to my life. But there are things I never thought you’d be capable of and in mere months your true colours have been exposed to the world. There are ways you could’ve changed, you could’ve reacted differently and not tried to make a situation about you, because apparently you got backstage to begin this madness so in a way if that is the truth then it was your fault. You must’ve known on some level that you were beginning something and would become a story. One thing it has highlighted to me is how you have lied over the years or placed blame on other people, you always found a way to shift your responsibility. You’ve made it seem like everyone else was at fault and you had no part in anything which is simply ridiculous. I am done with that drama and the hysterics you showed, I would’ve preferred if you had never shown up and just let me keep everything simple but honestly the latest events have proven that while I had my doubts I was never wrong to let you go.
So all in all I hope that your stay in the hospital helped you realise that the help you are currently receiving may not be actually everything you need at all. I’m not blaming you for not knowing it and I am not blaming me for letting it go. No more drama from you will be tolerated and I am at peace with that decision.
I take this journey
With the intention
To discover myself
To learn to see myself with love
To appreciate my imperfections
And love my body for all it’s capable of
I will be thankful for my heart
That ensures I live and love
Grateful for my soul
That inspires my life
that inspires connection
And a deep understanding
I will believe in myself
And see the beauty inside me
I will find a way to be present
And happy with who I am
I will move my body as needed
And embrace all my curves
I will enhance myself
And be aware of the moments,
I’m starting to lose myself
I will my life with inspiration
And hold to this strength
That keeps me fighting
I will reclaim the way I feel inside
The little moments that make me smile
How perfect a new discovery feels
The beat of a favourite song
And the hope that holding hands can bring
I will acknowledged when I am
Not at the top of my game
When I fail
I will not let it define me
I will rejoice in my success
And trust the path I am on.
I will discover my own mind
And take on the fear
When I hesitate
With words to say
I will be open to the new opportunities
That come my way
And I will look at the bright things
Being aware that the darkness
But I have a choice to let it in
To acknowledge its presence
and fight with everything I have
I will reclaim myself for me
I will trust myself, my heart
And believe in the future
That anything is possible
That life is unfolding as it meant to.
I will be my true to my soul
I will follow my heart
And trust the intuition
That has lead me through every moment.
And I will believe in the journey
I will have faith that all is as it’s meant to
I Will appreciate every person
That life has brought my way
In lessons and blessings.
For in part they shape the person I am.
I reclaim myself
I am an emotional person and in some ways it leads me to some paths I hadn’t anticipated. It makes me think what other people’s thought are and overthink in general. Anxiety grips me hard and I run off with a though that takes me nowhere and I react to the smallest inconvenience. I feel I need to control every little moment and not notice the present moment I am in. I try to predict the future and plan it a certain way but I know the future can only be planned to a certain degree. I have this logical rational part inside me but it’s often drowned out by all the “what if’s” and uncertainty of life. I worry about the future with immense fear like I can control it when I know I can’t. I have to find a balance between living for now and allowing the emotions to roll through me. To find a way to communicate with myself and the people in my life.
Anxiety brings me to a place I don’t understand. It makes me think I’m not normal. That I lack something the world sees, instead I have something the world needs that makes me blind to its beauty. I’m busy worrying about the future that I miss the wonder of the present moment. I haven’t locked myself into a time line of what to achieve. Maybe I don’t want to pin point it in case it doesn’t happen exactly that way. I’d like to believe that hoping and being true will help it all along. That having an idea of what I want my future to be will help immensely. Overthinking reaches my mind a lot and It makes me question one little thing said or one internal query. There’s no control over how someone else thinks or what the fates have planned for the future. And this anxiety grips me to the point that my emotions tend to fly. I turn inwards for answers that I can’t find.
I can try to explain in words how words fail me in real life, as writing seems to be somehow easier even when at times that seems hard. To communicate in person seems somewhat difficult to me so I keep my walls high and the chain on my heart tight. Years of only having myself has left me only letting others in to a point. I’ve been disappointed by others so maybe I find complete trust harder than I thought. It’s easier to walk away than admit I’m frozen with words unspoken. To fill my mind with thoughts to breathe into words to take up space. Sometimes I think I’ll say the wrong thing and this person will leave. That words are the reason so many have left in my past. Then I’ll blame myself that the words I’ve said are the cause. Deep down I know the irrationality of it but perhaps it’s easier to believe than working on the true cause.
For me it all seems to be this long run of bad things happening to me, with me not having any effect on them. I just run along the way things occur, that I cannot change the way these happen. That everything is already planned a certain way and I’m simply following that path that fate has declared me to be on. Maybe I believe that everything will simply happen when it meant to and it won’t require too much work and on the other hand there’s a sense of me needing to be in control of everything, every little moment of life and that just drives me crazy. There must be a balance to finding a sense of control and letting things just happen naturally. Life should be able to be lived with hope and ease that everything will work out.
A space between two places; here and there. Inside this room I am protected from the elements but out there lays the hopes and dreams I seek. Outside I see rolling green hills and deep blue seas topped by a brilliant dazzling sky some days and on others the sky turns to a murky grey and threatens to release all the emotions of the world down upon us. But it extends the possibility that I today I can tackle any challenge with the hope that I’ll succeed. Behind a pane of glass the world rolls on, people continue their lives and go on with their daily motivation but there is always beauty around.
I sit in this place watching the world go by through this glass separating me from the outside world. I can hear voices of the people around me but my mind is making up stories about everyone outside carrying on with their lives. The sun is shining out there and so the world glints with sparkles but I know the darkness will soon follow. There are spots on the glass that are imperfect, smudges that show the world is only seen one way by one person and everyone else sees it differently. Whichever way you look through a window you see a tiny perspective of the world around you, a tiny portion not hidden by the shadows.
And then at times there are moments where it seems I’m surrounded by windows and everyone can see inside but I’m unable to see out. Everyone sees every little thing I can do and I’m powerless to stop their prying eyes. It’s as though I’m on a stage or the television and everyone is glued to my every action. And all I want is to run away to a place where there are no windows or where they are frosted over and I can see them but they can’t see in. Windows bring in the sunlight to create the warmth within the inside room but the world carries on outside of it, the birds continue to fly and life continues to move. For a mere moment of time we are either absorbed by the goings on as we look through this window or are we busy occupying ourselves with what is being shown by the light inside the room.
Through the pane of glass the world looks perfect, there are no imperfections outside this box. Everything seems to be perfect, there’s a sheen from the sun reflecting on the glass causing me to see faint flickers of the dust in the air and blocking the world from my view, leaving me with a tiny glimpse of what’s outside. There’s particles of light floating in the air distorting the wall behind what it touches. A window is between two worlds, drawing from one to the other something that’s missing from the other. It keeps all in wonder and all wishing for something that is on the other side.
Radiating out from her inner core, there is a glow about her. One that developed from this heart of hers. She shines brighter than the sun and her smile is filled with brightness. Her core is a light with sparkles of yellow light beaming her. She takes on the day with the kindness she contains seeing every person she encounters with a light around them and with the chance to offer some happiness. She’s the kind of the girl that will spend an hour or more walking through the flowers and dancing when the moment strikes her. She wears the bright colours, the ones that give her confidence and boost her personality. She strikes ahead with the best of intentions and doesn’t let the opinions of others stop her from achieving what she wants. She stands tall and proud with what she believes in and the person she truly is. She is proud of herself and she brings others to her with her kind heart and honesty.
She has an air about her that she floats through life but she’s just really in touch with who she really is and what her purpose is. She is able to go about her day knowing she can deal with anything put in her path, she is able to overcome any challenge put in front of her and she knows that every emotion stems from a thought and reaction. She follows her heart with the knowledge that her mind will follow. She has a strong sense of intuition and is able to push away the doubts she has about herself. She surrounds herself with people that bring a positive influence to her life where she can and removes herself from toxic situations with people that bring negative vibes.
She has the inner knowledge to move forward from any prickles that others may bring her way. She doesn’t wish any harm to others but believes in karma and that what we put out into the world comes back to us eventually. She strikes ahead with her dreams making them come true and puts into practice what she truly believes in, yet she is not afraid to ask for help when she needs it. She offers a hand to those who need it and does her best in everything she tries. She knows that there’s a reason everything happens and that it happens at the right moment in life. Life teaches us something in every moment and challenges present themselves to help us move on or overcome. She knows that these challenges will keep appearing until they have been overcome or moved through.
She sparkles with light. Throughout her entire being is graceful woman that is trying to envelop the outer being the best it can. She reaches out to the people that bring that light forward and is grateful for all the lessons from those that are filled with the shadows bring her way. She sees beauty in all the world and holds on tight to all the things that bring her joy. She’ll see the best in everyone and treasure the ones that are real, true and nurture the goodness in her soul. She’s true to herself and she inspires others to be true too without even realising her impact on them. She glows brighter than the sunshine and the stars combined.
You make me feel like I can do anything, you set my body on fire and make me want more. Your eyes meeting mine and setting my heart beating. You make me want to try to be better and challenge my every moment. You drive me crazy, you make me insane but you make me whole. You make me want to change the world for you and tackle all the things that scare me. You make me want to throw away all the caution and explore everything with you and you make me feel safe. You bring me more love than I ever thought possible and you help me want to want things that have been hidden and locked away. You make me feel and help me. You calm me down and let me be myself when I can be. You read my moods and every sound in my voice. You hold me in your arms and fill me with such hope and make me feel like the only girl in the world. Your voice utters the words I love you and it sends my heart into flutters. You create this new world where anything seems possible and a single thought of you makes me beam.
You bring me so much confidence and inspire me to be more. You keep my feet on the ground but you give me wings at the same time so I believe in anything. You teach me about the world in your way and I follow the direction of your guide as you lead us onwards. You look out for me and keep me safe. In any given moment I can smile upon a moment of thinking about you. You understand me and constantly surprise me. You make me want more from life and to share it with you. You have captured my heart and take on the lead as my protector and confidant. You hold me up when the world falls apart and you keep me laughing when I feel sad. You make me want to explore and experience new things. You keep me in a world that is magical and mystical, where you lead me on adventures. You drive me crazy and make me insane but with you I second guess myself less.
You show me what real strength is and you make me feel more so every day. You hold me up against the world telling it where to go and give me hope that the future can be brighter than I’ve ever thought. You make days seem longer when I am with you and the nights spent in your arms are a treasure. The warmth from your embrace is enough to set my heart to calm or on fire depending on the mood. You never make me doubt the depth of your feelings and you are consistently there in whatever way is needed. You are my rock and you understand almost every part of my heart, soul and body. You keep me on a course of heading straight ahead with expanding myself where possible.
And you take me to new places, to expand my mind and give me adventures. You talk me through my fears and help me reach an understanding of myself, of what’s below the surface. You take me a place where heaven is almost real and I feel this undying burst of love and passion. You help me see the universe in a whole new light. You see me as this beautiful creature and it makes me beam, how your eyes set their aim at me and I see the softness they contain meant just for me. The way you touch me with gentle care and the small things that make me fall even further in love with you. You have given me your time, your patience and your love and spent the last twelve months with me anyway you can. You keep me believing in myself, the world and most importantly you and us.
Take my hand and let me lead us together toward the future, Let me chart this course for us and take charge for this moment in time. Hold my hand and grip it tightly as we move onto this adventure together. I’ll take us through the sunlight and past the dazzling moonlight. Hold me in your arms as we dance in that moonlight and fall asleep next to each other. We’ll wake up with the sun in our eyes and take on all the challenges that a day can bring. We’ll walk into each day being inspired by the sunshine and each other. We’ll fall more in love with each other and develop a deeper connection. But sometimes I’ll want you to take the reins and change the direction we are headed in slightly. Let’s take on adventures that both of us know will make us stronger and happier with ourselves.
Take my hand and we’ll wander the world together, take to the roads and travel as far as the horizon. The sun in the sky as we travel by day and the moon and stars by night. We’ll stop when the need arises and explore the landscape around us, the sun guiding the direction we take and sleep in the back of a car or cheap motels. We’ll take on the world and break the rules to live life on our own terms. We’ll chase the rainbows or change the direction as we see fit. We’ll make this corner of the world our personal playground and conquer the land for a small amount of time.
Take my hand, you’ve changed my life and I don’t want that to ever stop. I want to keep on this road with you and take on all the challenges as the two of us. I want every day to start with you and to feel like anything is possible. With my hand in yours it feels as though we already have. With my hand in your hand you have taken my heart with it and I will follow you as you follow me to whatever our future holds.
And why should I even care any more, you selfish person. It was always about you and everything to do with you. You complained for over an hour on the phone and I allowed it. Why do I let this bother my heart so and bring me to a place unsettled? I have more peace in my life now without you and that’s a true blessing. I wasn’t ready for things that you wanted to push forward but you made it seem important. Honestly my life is better without your toxicity and your anxiety seeming to override mine. I have enough trouble with my own, I can’t take yours on board and don’t demand I help you, that I need to do so. That is wrong and partly why I ran. I’m not all right I know but the point came and somehow you took a maybe to mean I promise. How I really don’t know. Maybe is not a yes, it means this could or not be. Don’t put all faith in one person or believe that they will somehow understand another person’s point of view. That’s what this has taught me. That some people are only in it for themselves and can’t recognise something that not everything goes your way all the time. Some people push you because they sense your giving heart and honest soul. They use their goodness and kindness to reach their own purpose. I won’t be mistaken again or fall for the tricks. I am thankful for the lesson this has brought and the gift of time to heel. I won’t let it define me but rather use it to discover the people that are real and won’t hurt or destroy my soul like you did. I am at a point in my life where I just want people and to be content with what I have. Perhaps that isn’t so for you and I pray you’ll find it one day. I won’t wish you pain or horror but karma is a funny thing and I imagine it’ll catch up with you. In your mind you believe it always has to be your way but that’s not how the world works.
However the lingering of almost three years is still on my mind and heart and I anticipate there will be future moments where we will be in the same area but I promise I will leave you alone but you may do the opposite. You may seek me out for some sort of resolution or gossip about me to others and with that behaviour what does that say about your character? You haunt me with the possibility of future attacks but it won’t stop me moving forward or living my life. It is building strength within me that eventually you won’t occupy a single thought. Sometimes people are only brought together for no more than lessons and it is clear you were so for me. I could name all your flaws and compare the ways I am better but why should I expel that energy on you and lower myself to your level. Your life is not mine and no longer will they intertwine for you’ve proven your immaturity and inability to react to others in a positive and productive manner. And now I know that one day I will only consider you as part of my past and the lesson that sometimes friendships are toxic and this one was so. We may never cross the same path in the same way again and I am grateful for that, for you have shown me what I truly appreciate and what qualities I seek in true friendships.
(Warning: Explicit Word Ahead Used)
Sitting here I somehow begin those comparisons, the ones I used to do with those around me; those skinner than me and those that have more than I do. Yet I am content with how my life is currently going for the most part. There are areas I could improve upon and others I need to think about but the future scares me. How I reached thirty years old without having achieved so much I don’t really understand other than to say that I must’ve runaway from so much in my life. I’ve been in denial and hid myself from what I really actually want.
I’ve fallen backwards recently somehow believing that the future will just be there and that it’ll all work itself out and yet maybe I should have some hand in it. There are things I somehow expect to happen and others that I’ve mistakenly fallen apart from. I’ve gained back the weight I’ve lost in recent years and that makes me feel like throwing myself back in bed and hiding and not eating a thing until it disappears by itself which is insane and I know it. But I’ve lost some of the support I once had and now I’m on my own and clearly that is just not working anymore. I try to stick to a gym routine but maybe I’m alone but I simply get bored being there, I must be the kind of person that needs someone else to tell me how to do an exercise and which one to do as my mind just wanders otherwise.
But then the little things throw me, the crap that is now ingrained in my car that I waited too long to deal with and now will be a constant reminder of the mistake and my lack of time and organisational skills. The fact this makes me want to buy a new car when mechanically all is still sound and it’s just the appearance that is imperfect. I pride myself on some sort of perfection when internally I am anything but, I am a messed up, confused woman who still feels like she’s only a teenager. I can’t explain sometimes the thoughts that run through my head and the impulse that makes me want to run. The need to see the best of myself in comparison to others is soaked under the skin and stuck to every cell in my body which is ridiculously crazy and insane.
I’ll forever wonder if I’m good enough for all I am, all I want to be. If everything is enough for someone out there and then in a moment I just won’t care. I’ll find some strength to say I honestly just don’t give a fuck anymore, that everything I am is because this is how I was meant to be and this feeling of being inadequate is simply a part of that. It’s a moment in time that’s meant to teach me and help me learn and grow. It’s the process I’m going through that brings me to these moments of perfect clarity to help me seek what it all means, what everything truly means and to discover that those people I compare myself to are not perfect by any means and have flaws too. Even perhaps that they see things in me that they envy and compare themselves to.