I live my life in a certain way, indulging in obsession and craving fantasy but there’s an expectation I need. A routine implemented that must be followed. Otherwise I’m overstimulated and seek comfort. I’ll put up with stress, hardships and undesirable people because it’s familiar and provides a sense of security for me. But it all eats at me and eventually I’ll crack. I’ll cry for no reason or a small thing tips me over the edge. Most people don’t understand how it feels, you can talk yourself into situations and into a heightened state but there’s always a trigger or a thought. Having anxiety drives you crazier and you go round in circles, there are things you dream and want but the effort seems too stressful to undertake. So insane thoughts fill your head about how you’re not good enough, people don’t care for you and you’ll always be this way. the anxiety crates a blockage in your mind, all you can focus on is the anxiety and the worst case scenarios playing out inside your head.
in my case I retreat, I cry and scream, loud music on repeat or a spot to myself away from people. These attacks occur randomly some unprovoked by more than a thought, too many things overloading my system – wanting perfection instantly and believing what’s the point. It’s this reason I hide and only push myself so far, I know my limits and the security I crave is alright for me.
There are small things that help but I always feel the oxygen is lost and my body is on fire when it’s too much, I need a cool breeze and water to begin recovery. It makes you think something was missed in your development, a missing diagnosis – a prescription not administered or a mind given to the wrong person.
I try to not let the anxiety rule my world but fear always creep in somewhere at something others find normal – driving to unfamiliar areas, swallowing tables, travelling overseas, relationships and being out late at night freak me out. I can’t do it alone yet for so much of my life I feel that way. Sometimes I just want a hug or someone to surprise me with something nice – but people don’t think that way, they have their own issues and problems to attend to so my heart goes haywire. I feel forgotten – thus isolation begins starting the cycle all over again. Understanding takes time and I barely understand myself at 28 so how will anyone else?