I’ve never been the popular girl, with a thousand friends and into the latest fashions. I guess I just wasn’t that lucky but there’s a saying that says something along the lines of plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do and I think it’s true. yes there’ a secret – i don’t think of myself as beautiful – i blame my anxiety and years spent hiding behind the fat. When people see me as beautiful I assume they mean my soul or spirit because there’s not a thing about my physically that is so. Those popular girls are the ones I still measure beauty by, even my heart knows it’s insane. I won’t even enter a contest if it’s about popularity, what’s the point, to increase the failure I know so well. I’d prefer to be the highest in a small pond and loved by few than the lowest in a big pond with no true love.

In school I always felt at the bottom of the popularity scale but i was the nice girl and i got on with mostly everyone, yeti did crave moments of fame, to have a circle of friends that know all and attend parties with male attention. However I struggled with any relationship and felt shame for small mistakes. So I built walls that came crashing down frequently only to be built up by a strong material.

Now the status is irrelevant, i don’t need to be anything but myself. I’m the only competition and the popular contest seem mundane. In the decade since high school I’ve learnt the only popular that matters is the quality of a heart and a loyal friend. There’s a lot of people involved in life but not all of them affect it’s outcome. Tests and challenges prove the truthfulness ad trustworthiness of others and ourselves. When I lost my mother two years ago I discovered those people that made me feel popular, those that were silent and one that returned in the days after it’s occurrence. i am grateful for all of them and the experiences I gained. I don’t seek popularity – just acceptance, communication and a conversation or a joke; a reason to remind me life is merely a game I can play.


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