This morning I woke up feeling like I could curse the world, the perils of being a woman started the day at a low point. I saw red and anger flared within me. I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen, setting the precedent for the day. I craved a hole to hide in and just to eat junk food till the tears came flowing down. But alas my brain overruled reminding me that I still seek to be thin. That this hormonal effect is only for seven days and the mood swings are merely irrationally.
It wasn’t part of the plan, to have more to do but I’d wanted a night of deep sleep not what I eventually got. Perhaps my body is adjusting to the loss of five kilos and thus everything is different. I yearn for everything to be perfect, to have a sense of order to my life. Routine keeps me sane and I crave the sense of security.
Right now I want to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years, like sleeping beauty away from the heartache and pain. the stress with the expectations I feel for myself and the dreams I’m struggling to understand. There’s a time I just want to give up and run away, as though the fight isn’t worth it. That my life has too many puzzle pieces that don’t fit, All different shapes and mismatched colours.