I’ve been thinking recently about the past goodbye’s and how some just faded. Perhaps it’s a matter of growing up and moving on but I know karma’s paid me back. I’ve had friendships where I’ve strayed and others i obsessed about. some a misunderstanding tore apart, but one remains in my mind. it was only two years but she affects me at the moment, did i mean to lose her? My fatal flaw is my honesty and she blames me. it all blew up in 2011 days before her wedding and I was organizing her baby shower too before the disaster. I backed out on both, trying to protect myself and moving on. Clearly she took my word and no contact was seen since then.

Sometimes my heart breaks when unexpected happens, a year is an eon when you lose someone so quickly with no explanation. Right after her birthday she disappeared and now I’m left wondering if she’s still alive or with my angels. maybe I’m paranoid but i can’t take another failure. I’ve been strong enough for too long and I want to bring all my special people together and tell them how much they mean to me.

yet I feel my simple, small acts are not rewarded – am I seeking compensation for gestures or just being kind. I wish my heart knew. It’s a selfish thought but I want someone to begin the connection – that I’m not the only one establishing it. Cause sure I can be alone but sometimes i’ts painful  and then anxiety flares and i’m a mess.

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