A Light Shining Within?

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I won’t hide or be ashamed of what I am or like. This is the part of my life where I discover the people that matter! I am a mix of things; insecure, irrational, passionate, naive, brave, honest, kind and courageous. I’d like to think that you can at least respect that I’m on my own journey and these things inspire me and keep me sane. I love a band that many do not and make fun of, but it won’t change a thing, the reasons I do are my own (and yes I don’t broadcast it as much as I could) I’m a fan of many things, passionate about this life I’m leading and attempting to be more social and live my life better for it. There’s a reason I’m here in this world and I’m only now starting to understand it. You may not understand or like my choices but please remember that they are mine and I won’t disrespect what you like because that’s what makes you feel/breathe/stay sane. Everyone has a journey to undertake and I feel like I shouldn’t have to hide who I am or pretend to be someone I’m not. I am a 28 year old woman with feelings and a tender heart who feels things deeply and gets obsessed easily, I know my limits and I suffer anxiety frequently. I build up walls that are hard to climb and I follow my intuition and heart. I love colour and I’m not above believing in quotes or song lyrics to help me through the hard times, music has saved my life and helped ease the pain of growing up. It’s my story I’m telling and I hope one day I’ll have adventures to tell. My hopes and dreams are not unrealistic for I’ve become a semi realist and I respect everyone for having the courage and determination to follow where their path leads, I’ll support and honour their choices as best I can. I’ll love those in my life that show me they love me but I appreciate everyone who plays a part. I am still a child in many ways but at I know it, and my greatest flaw is I’m honest and feel guilty for lying. I treasure every moment and am trying to focus more on the positivity in the world as opposed to the giant blackness I usually do.

There’s a hope I always hold in my heart, that everything happens for a reason and while the answer isn’t presenting itself as yet, it’ll become clear eventually. I’d like to believe that my reason for being will reveal itself sooner. For this life is a series of events connecting me to people, places, songs, books and random shining moments? I’ve been through hell, suffered a broken heart and relationships. I struggle with fear of the unknown and my perception that I’m not intelligent, clever or beautiful. I dislike change on a grand scale but I’m getting slowly better at dealing with the web it weaves over me. I crave security and perfection but I lack the ability to keep hold of it. I am an identity crisis, still thinking of myself as a young person in her youth when rather I’m in my late 20’s and only now attempting to seek my dreams. I seek clarification and a hand to hold, my deepest wish is love of another being and warm arms to embrace me during the night but that wish has somehow taken a back seat to accepting myself and being in touch with my inner self. Self-belief is what I’m trying to achieve, believing that I am actually a part of something wonderful, that my purpose on this earth is positive and not giving into the depression that often comes a calling. I deserve more than I’ve allowed myself to have, I just expect the worst or I’m not surprised when it happens that way. There’s only so much goodness that can occur before a dark thing comes floating by and consumes me sending me into a dark abyss. The thing is I know all of this about myself and while I try to overcome the obstacles I’m left with a sinking feeling that somehow it’s not making things any better, that people will still be shallow and hate on things they don’t like. That the world will be compromised by the government’s decisions and the destinations I wish to see will always be out of my reach.

There’s a light somewhere within me, that I can appreciate the moments as they happen and smile when I look back on them. I can fight with strength when it’s needed and I can put aside my own problems and fears when another is in need and I can do something. I can seek comfort from those in my circle and I know those who are real within that circle and those that are merely hanging on for some reason. I’d like to believe that my truth and honesty set me apart, and that people can trust what I say as gospel and a promise I’ll intend never to break. Yet they somehow still seem to miss the point, I may be living a better life for myself but I still need the opportunities to push myself where I can with people I trust and I respect. I need people to initiate connection and understand they can only push me so far but keep me in mind. Perhaps they see the darkness that seeps from within me and it scares them too much so they pull away afraid to be contaminated. Or maybe they just don’t care enough and can’t be bothered to invest their time in another lost soul. But their life is not really my concern, if they didn’t care enough once or twice maybe the problem isn’t me it’s their busy schedule or their attitude. I will make time for those that show some interest and those that are worth it but at this point there must be a way to eliminate the ones that only see me as a number and not a complete person worth being interested in?

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