Perhaps there’s a person that I’ve found myself wondering about, that I see frequently and would never have the courage to approach. Is it wrong to just say I like looking at him? That maybe that’s enough for now. That he knows my name and says hello makes me bounce a little. Could it be that I’ve just talked myself in thinking this way? Or is there something behind it? I’m not used to people talking to me in the first place much less that of the male species but I’m sure it was only a kindness. But either way I’m kind of intrigued that this is brewing within me, that there’s this feeling that’s sprouting even if nothing results. I’m allowed to just appreciate a beautiful man? Even one that only speaks every now and then. I don’t seek him out but there’s always a smile when I do see him. Has my heart finally progressed from being lonely and now it’s longing for a mate.
Yet I’ve had crushes before that now seem ridiculous, ones on men and boys that I knew were unattainable and I don’t mean the celebrity or cartoon kind. Crushes that are ridiculous, that they were aware of but maybe I was too proud to admit it. I’ve been given a number from a male on the train who smiled at me the whole trip and then followed me onto the tram but I felt uncomfortable with the interaction. But this time I’m aware of more than just his name, he knows mine and there’s a common interest but I’m sure that’s as far as it will go and that’ll be fine with me. Just this feeling is enough for now, this hopeless wonderful smiley sensation. And I’ve proven to myself that I can talk to a man that It isn’t in my inner circle and even though there will be nothing beyond this feeling I am content to keep it as it is.
It;s reminiscent of my greatest love and most of you will know who that it is, and who it shall always remain. Yes there were moments of denial but that was just it denial. I am completely and utterly in love with that man since age ten and I am not ashamed of that. It’s not the true love one can depend upon to make a life in any means but there’ll never be a broken heart. And perhaps it’s naive to think there’ll be someone else like him for me but a girl can dream. Particularly one that’s never had any real male interest and still waits for her first kiss.
I know not to put too much faith in this, I do not need a man to make me whole or my life to be completely change but I do know I may read too much into things and that’s why I won’t be acting upon these thoughts, I will be civil and smile at him and continue to think about the wonderful smiley sensation but that will be it. I am not courageous enough to act upon it yet and if I’m too late then that’ll be so. The only beautiful thing I seek is a heart that loves me for me and accepts my quirks and flaws be he beautiful in looks or not.