Best Friend

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What is a best friend? Sometimes I just don’t believe it should be a thing. Every friend has a purpose and a reason why they are in your life. I’ve had disastrous results with former best friendships, some that ended with goodbye and others that made me question myself. I have a girl I may call my best friend but the truth is it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other and those feelings have become distanced. I still love her dearly but it’s time and distance that make me question it’s reality, perhaps I’m only now realising you can have many friendships that show the best of each person and leave it there. I’ve had a strange run, jinxing people by the declaration or hanging photographs or maybe I’m blind to my true best friend. That she’s always been there and I’ve never acknowledged it. I was trying to be the friend everybody wanted but I wasn’t being myself and now I realise that I must be myself in order to find the truth. Who needs one best friend when you can have a small group of close friends that provide you with what you need. Also I don’t need a million friends cause likely some of them will not be in my best interests but only looking at me for selfish reasons.

I can’t say I’ve had a friendship that I considered the best last longer than a few years, people grow up and move away and I’m still the same with no real objection to remaining so. Best friends are supposed to be precious and I guess that’s like a gift but so far it seems like the only gift I have left is the one for my wedding night and even then that’s still only in my dreams. I’ve been put through so much and maybe I brought some of it on myself. By not trusting or revealing certain things but bring a teenage girl in the early 2000’s was hard enough. I wasn’t the girl to go out clubbing or be around people. I needed my own space and other people my age wanted to grow up and experience those things. I just wanted to read, watch TV and hang posters in my room, while struggling with an un-revealed anxiety and battling being overweight.

With age you start to become aware of the people that actually cared and matter (how ironic that one of my favourite songs contains that line and is actually playing as I post this.), that the term best friend can be irrelevant. I have close friends that amazing from different areas of my life; school, work, fitness, my fandom and my beautiful family. If I had a sister perhaps she’d be my best friend but alas I don’t. The closest I have is my cousin whom I love to dearly and seems to understand me in all my craziness and quirkiness and loves me anyway. Maybe the best friend I ever had was my mother; the only person who knew everything about me and loved me completely but alas she is no longer here so do I believe in the best concept any longer?

Maybe there’s still time to find that person or it belong with myself inside my heart for the one to receive my gift one day. Or I’m just meant to see the world as a single digit always missing the best friend or soul mate. Travelling this journey with a different group of people at different times in my life never settling for one to call the ultimate.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful and thankful for all the best friends I’ve had in my life and the parts they have played in my life but my belief is perhaps suspended in future endeavours.

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