Waiting

Everyone says just wait; that he’ll come eventually. But how long is eventually? I’m considering buying a cat or being a nun. I’m almost desperate to seek it in the wrong places. I’m craving love, human intimacy and security. I need to know the feeling of a kiss, a hand holding mine protectively and the connection of bodies. Yet I’m still unavailable it seems, that my purpose is not in fact a man. It’s a solo adventure, that I’m left with mere dreams and crying at romantic movies. Indulging in chick lit and falling for book boyfriends.

Have I been too safe with my heart? Keeping it too guarded and given off an unapproachable vibe. My nerves must be shot by now, inside I long to destroy them or run somewhere to steal a man to show me this thing I need. Oh how I wonder what it’s like but the need terrifies me too. I don’t want to be used or give myself to someone unimportant but there’s a craving underneath my skin.

How does this work? Boy meets girl thing? Boy likes girl – well I’m a girl and yet no boy likes me that way. No spark of interest or anything close. I don’t have the courage to instigate these things and my flirting would be obvious or bad. Do I believe I’m not good enough? Or am I too loud? My passion scares them off? Or my anxiety prevents me from taking this step.

I wouldn’t call myself beautiful but I am not ugly this I know. I’m a short, blonde, curvy woman with blue/green eyes hidden behind frames. I wear clothes to hide and I hardly venture to new opportunities. Isn’t love meant to happen on its own without any encouragement? But for me it’s harder than a smile and a conversation. I lack something that is needed. I’m not right for this at the moment as it has always been. Yes the pain has made me stronger but I always thought by this age I’d be married with a child not hoping one day to be so.

I die a little when a friend gets engaged or announces a pregnancy, I am honestly happy for them though but it kills me that I’m still at the singles table after all the best have been taken. I’m the rest, the left overs that no one wants. But damn it, when do my dreams come true? When do I find him and do my dreams come true? When do I find him and he’ll be the thing my hearts wants. Is waiting a meaning? Telling me to move on and get over it or that he is not here yet but will be one day. How can I make one day happen sooner?

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