Perhaps I am the legacy of my mother’s life. The remnants of her life completely lived. This is the third mother’s day I celebrate without her and there are little moments of times where I wonder what she would’ve thought about this or that, but then I see a stream of sunlight and know she is sending me her answer and my heart is filled with her love and the answer reveals itself. I am her, I can see it in old photos, the expressions on her face that I now emulate and her strength is somehow becoming mine. I find myself listening to her favourite artists and connecting with them whilst pulling them into my play lists to become joint favourites with my own. I continue to watch romantic comedies wondering if she’d like this one or that and recall how fast she’d read the books I’d lend her that took me several weeks to absorb. My sense of direction is still not quite like hers, I get lost frequently and still panic but perhaps I’m more accustomed to that than I believe.
The truth is I have not changed too much since she graced our lives, perhaps I’ve gotten stronger and able to deal with more conflict but I hold the things and people I love more closely than ever before. I still seek stability and perfection but I’m aware that these takes time, that risks must be taken to achieve the things we seek. I have realised that people are only as they can be, that people are only human and make mistakes including myself. That negativity grows like a weed once planted. That I overdramatise things that don’t need to be so. That when I’m overtired I get extremely grumpy and I still have trouble to shut off the thoughts when trying to sleep. But I have found true people through the three years, people to count on and challenge me. People that share a passion or interest of mine to indulge with me in. I am trying to find humour in every situation, a positive in everyday that will help me find the light through the dark times and this I have gained from you.
I have found mother like figures to rely on and while they are not you and there are certain things I won’t ask for fear of embarrassed they are truly a source of strength to me. They keep me operating on a scale I can achieve and I am truly grateful for them. My family is incredible and I hold them ever dear to my heart and pray that one day I shall have my own.
So this mother’s day I won’t cry that you are gone, I will remember that I am your legacy and that you are within me, I am a lot of what you were; and I aiming to be just like you for why wouldn’t I want to be. You were an honest, caring, loving soul that challenged the hardest battle of all and fought with courage and determination that I keep with me along with that crackling laughter that even I can’t pull off.