It’s constantly surrounding me. A black cloud waiting for my lowest moment. A thought brings into focus and my body is enveloped by moodiness. I hardly want to wake and face the day or take a day at that place I work. I feel tired and want to sleep away my life. I cannot find much happiness or a reason to continue. This is what depression feels like to me and I’m lucky that the bursts are infrequent and I can sometimes talk myself out of it or dance it out but sometimes I just cry and cannot stop the welcoming darkness waiting for me.
A jolt in my heart, worst case scenarios run through my mind and my stomach lurches at little changes. I have an uncontrollable fear of the world and the immensity it possesses. There is so much stress, so much to do and the lurch is present. I’m an anxious person needing to be in control and aware. Even writing this is bringing a feeling to my stomach – I should be peeling the vegetables or cleaning my room or getting ready for work tomorrow. Anxiety looms through me, can I make it perfect while I have some enjoyment and not beat myself up.
I’ve fought depression and I’ve won so I know my dark moments are only the depressed feeling – the darkness needs me a while so the light can rejoice when I return. There’s a way to this – I hide and mope and perhaps I am better than I once was but there are days I despise myself, despise my crappy toes, my weight, eye sight and eternal singledom but I don’t think anyone else could walk in my shoes or live my life. I do believe we are given what we can handle, that a path is ours to undertake through the dark and light. We are not perfect, not one of us and that’s a good thing. I crave perfection but I don’t expect to get it. I expect my life to have twists and turns and be filled with epic joy. But I can’t take the chance yet. It’s that the darkness I know is familiar and I can settle there without judgement, fear or needing to think about the future. They know me there. The depression and anxiety wait for me patiently knowing I’ll return in some way eventually.