Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of things, overwhelming things that I can hardly explain. Needs that corrupt my mind and longing that I have to ignore. I have to put these thoughts aside and push the fantasies away for while I’m enjoying the sensation my reality is slowly crushing me. This man is unattainable and it’s irrational for me to believe that something could happen. It’s a one sided love affair with no existence and the feeling must stop. I feel guilty as a fantasy arises and dirty for allowing myself to drift that way. For I don’t have a lot of happiness in my life, well I’m not unhappy and I have beautiful people but everything that seems to make me happy is hard to achieve or happen behind shadows, but these fantasies of him, they kind of make me happy. The thought of him makes me smile and I won’t’ call it love but infatuation. I won’t tell him because there is no point and even at 28 I still find these things a little icky, to like a man and think thoughts of him in a manner reserved for closed doors.
These feelings spin out of control and I go into a daze, where i only think that I’m missing out. Most women my age don’t find it strange that these thoughts persist about a man and yet they can act upon it anyway they chose. I’m a woman that’s learning the broken heart is a better thing than that of a heart that’s never felt the passion for anything. So these images flooding my mind are natural and keep me sane I suppose. Perhaps I’m dreaming but the dreams are hardly a new thing. I think it’s good they are happening but maybe something is waking up within me. This thing that has been hidden for a long time is emerging and developing into an active imagination and fascination.
I get excited by the thought that he will be around, that he’ll catch my glance and a thought is triggered that something could happen. My imagination runs wild. And I’ve never allowed myself to possess such thoughts before. I am a structured, organised individual who pushes through the wants and needs of such things to the practical and important things but craving and need is taking hold and perhaps he is the one to awaken it or simply spark that for someone else to take it completely. But is this the irrational guilt that’s taken me away from the feelings that are bringing joy and imagination to flow.
There’s so much I don’t know about these thoughts and I can hardly bring myself to talk about them. I feel embarrassment creep into my heart and my face turns red but then there’s a slight giggle within me that needs to explode. How can it be that I’ve turned into a giggling school girl at the mere thought and there’s no chance beyond my dreams. Recently these have been exposed, I know there’s an infatuation and I can delve within those emotions but alas I crave more to no effect. I am stuck in a place between naive and wise and recently I’m unable to sort through the difference.