Crush

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The pang in your heart when your crush discovers another and you’re left with no chance but the feelings that sparked it. It’s a crush because it hurts and I had no expectation that anything would happen. I just liked the feeling and the thing is it’s not my business who he discovers. It only matters how I deal with this rejection and the lesson that comes from it. I do honestly wish him well and that everything goes well for I am not a horrible person or did I claim anything

It may change my heart somehow but at the same time it’s nice to know these feelings can exist within me and I’m not made of stone or broken like sticks. That I wasn’t rejected for being me cause I doubt he knew and that’s fine with me. I want it that way. I am able to focus on important tasks rather than a need inside.

I had a weird experience this week, a boy actually began to talk to me and it caused me fear. And yes I use the term boy for he was younger than me. I questioned the words he was saying. It was too much, a virtual stranger saying I’m beautiful and basing it on my appearance. It’s a little weird to hear and then he went too far and I became uncomfortable with the conversation and challenged the nature of his reasoning. Maybe it’s a generation thing but I got a vibe he didn’t have much involvement in life as he often told me he was bored at night time and banned from gaming after 6. I claim boredom sometimes myself but there are other things to engage in. I’m thankful my interests are varied and keep me away from said boredom.

Maybe I’m picky but I’d rather be talking to someone that doesn’t write in text talk in every conversation. I see proper sentences as intelligent and rather the sign of an educated person. I’d seek a conversation that’s clever and passionate rather than text talk but then I do consider myself somewhat intelligent whether it be true or not.

Needless to say I pushed it away, couldn’t let the change happen or my innocent nature tarnish. But it was an experience that in hindsight I am grateful for. It taught me I’m not ready to let another in or begin a thing called a relationship. I have to work on my self-belief and confidence in order to feel at peace with myself and attract the person I’m meant to love.

I’ve only had two major crushes in my life that haven’t been celebrities and that’s a big thing. The current one that’s pending and the decade old one that went nowhere. Both times have been a chance to learn and begin to understand what I like and don’t and how I should be treated.

Then there’s the lifelong crush that I’d hardly use the word for any longer. 18 years on it can’t be that but admiration and passion and fondness baring on love that is everlasting. It’s a love that cannot be tarnished and the sort that’s a constant comfort.

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