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I do have to say it gets to me. Life is throwing many challenges at me and I’m struggling to find the balance and reasoning. It’s happening for a reason yet I can’t discover why. So much is happening yet there’s something missing. How do the reasons occur? And what is this reason? Tell me what is the point of not understanding. I just want to know why this is happening and what is this ultimate meaning. It’s a test that I can recognise and understand but would rather not face. I was attempting to make life perfect but it’s not happening. Maybe because perfect doesn’t exist as a calm, controlled life. I know we all face tests and struggle but it flares up buried secrets and long forgotten fears. Almost as though I could fall apart with one gust of wind. Yet I’m still standing and I’ll make it through another day even with struggles. Because the negativity helps you find the positivity and evolve into a better person. As I said it gets to me and I’ll dwell on it until it’s done and forgotten.

I make mistakes all the time but that’s how you learn. It’s not always a personal thing is it? But it seeks into my world and I panic. Perhaps my heart is meant to fight this and my gut to react to it. But there could be improvements and perhaps I am ready for that. To begin another phase of change and improvement or maybe it’ll be the kick I need to do what I really want and leave. I’m still unsure what I actually want or how I’ll make it there but perhaps I’ll have a moment of inspiration. A spark that’ll encourage me to pursue something new. We need the dark as much as the light. It all teaches us who we really are and how we deal with the world. I actually hold a lot of fear in my heat and it strikes at anytime. I want to discover a way to rid myself of the fear that consumes me and eats at my dreams, but the nerves remain inside me always. It has become easier too reach out and ask for help now and even admit when I need it. I can recognise the feelings in me and the signs that trigger off reactions for me.

I am am constantly standing on an edge. Filled with something close to hope and missing everything else. The truth is I am fond of the darkness and the welcome it extends. I am able to feel my way through this now but the small things can take me there in a heartbeat. I have so many things in my life I need to work through, but maybe it’s getting better, maybe it’s getting better. Maybe being able to recognise it all is a step in the right direction. I think about a lot and ,ah be it’s too much, that small stuff gets my mind in a twist in association my gut sparks in protest. It takes on a different meaning one that spins my world completely around, I can’t even imagine a world without fear, anxiety or darkness. I have a way of trying to talk myself out of situations yet sometimes I need others to help me through those moments. And now I know that I am not alone. There are others that have feelings like that, these people struggle too. The world is filled with people that have to face their fears and it’s a scary thing to admit it it’s a problem.

I’d certainly prefer to never say i dread something but rather am excited by challenges but my anxiety prevents this. I am impatient and needy. I’d rather face things as soon as I can instead of leave it all till the end. I prepare for the best but expect the worst so I’m not disappointed when everything crashes. I get put into a state of disbelief when something good happens or a compliment is given because I really only see myself as a middle of the line type of the person. I don’t get the prince but the lesson about myself yet I’m not kicking over on the ground, I am meant for something before my staring role. Perhaps this battle with myself is the thing that will be the catalyst for that role but I do not expect it. I do believe I am capable of attaining whatever I want but maybe my wants are not as great as my needs currently and the universe has a plan to help me with both if only I can make peace with the unexpected.

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