Perhaps my body is reacting to something foreign within me. Something I picked up somewhere along the way that’s stuck inside me. I’m struggling to rid it from me but maybe it’s a way of telling me that I need a break from everything to focus on myself. I have been on a stress binge for a few weeks and an emotional ride that may have triggered this reaction. It’s a mere sign to relax and go with it but normally I’d bury myself in food. This isn’t an option now as it only prolongs the agony. Besides I’ve come so far but normally I’d bury myself in food. This isn’t an option now as it only prolongs the agony. Besides I’ve come so far not having to rely on food to solve my problems. The only good has been that I’m now down more kilograms but when I recover will this change. I certainly don’t mind seeing an 8 at the start of the number but I miss food even if I don’t seek it at the moment. Maybe I was running my life at such a pace that I was overworking myself and not realising it. Too many commitments, pushed to my breaking point and seeking perfection. Because yes I know I seek perfection and combine that with anxiety – it’s far too crazy. Could I be going into a meltdown over something else even – maybe there’s an allergy presenting itself, I mean it could happen but I’m not sure I could handle that.
I know there are other forms of detox, I’ve been through many in my life but this battle with food and myself is the hardest one. I only realise it at moments like this, when everything seems compromised and there’s a fog of depression on the horizon. But I must fight it, I am still strong enough. The depression will not win. I must remember there is a reason for this and an answer will present itself eventually. Despite my penchant for wanting to break down in tears I’ll endeavour not to but it’s too late. I had a break down and I lost myself but I was able to reconnect with the world and the moment passed. There are still some underlying feelings but could they be under control for a time. I feel somewhat better after releasing the emotions inside but everything came to the surface. Other things I’m trying to detox from became just as important. But being in this place brings up all the negativity and makes you question every little thing that is wrong. Perhaps that’s the detox I need, to rid myself to as many negative influences as possible and focus on the positive more enlightening ones.
I could need a break from the stress and bullshit of my life but maybe it’s the wrong thoughts. This imposed detox is a good thing aside from the physical implications, it means I can focus on the things that matter to me and the way I feel about things. An unexpected moment where the world is filled with a lot of hellish stuff but that’s not just in my life. There’s something we all try to distance ourselves from. To put in a box and push away rather than just facing it and getting through the confrontation. There’s a detox with ourselves, we chose a path but not all can follow it and regret piles up but we should be excited by what the detox presents and what the ultimate outcome is.
And five days later the detox ends and what did I learn? Well I learnt that I am strong enough to fight but I’d rather not be forced into the position where I have to do so. I can fight the inner demons within me and I can seek out help where need be. But I’m susceptible to the fall at the times when it all falls apart and I seek to discover a way to prevent it from occurring once again. But I survived this detox at least for now, I have every faith that a new detox will present itself before too long and I