At times I just want to belong to someone, completely and utterly. Belong to a person that holds my heart and my world in his hands. Because sometimes being alone is harder than it seems. I’ve tried so hard with it being alright but now it’s gotten to the point it hurts. I don’t know how to belong to someone else but perhaps I only belong to me and that’s all it’ll ever be. I belong to someone don’t I? I must be somebody’s special person. It’s the only thing I seek in my world to complete me. I just need that feeling of someone holding me, comforting me and reassuring me. It may be somewhat selfish but I’m having a hard time believing isn’t meant to be. Everyone else can find it yet I struggle, the world is challenging me to find him and my place. Haven’t I already battled the internal dilemma once upon a time so why my resolve must be continually challenged? I want people to just accept and include me instead of this feeling that I’m second or third best. That’s how I see myself, that I won’t win despite trying cause I’ve never been the first thought unless it’s the first to be forgotten. Did I just become too complacent with the role and allowed this to happen? Did my walls push people away? Or maybe people just got sick of me. I wish for happy, surprises, no anxiety and people sending messages to say hello not all the shit I’ve been dealt or feel. I want a reason to feel like I belong, that someone can say I belong to them for always.
Perhaps I feel the need to overdo and be a larger than life person so people will remember me and I’m letting other people control my life; but if I don’t I’ll be forgotten. How does it feel when your world is in sync and that belong isn’t even a question. It’s just a fact. I seek out ways to be liked and have gratification but I’m just as likely to cry because no one liked my post or I was ignored. I shy away from being the person that has to initiate something once I’ve failed. I want to belong, to have true love, a real best friend and a career I don’t constantly fear. But I don’t belong, not completely. Sure I feel safe but I won’t attempt a risk if it’s too far because my heart is broken and damaged.
The whole world is pushing me against the things I want to believe about myself. Is there a true confidant I can turn to, to someone I can belong and feel contented with myself. I don’t have a person I can call my own in any special way and that is the thing I seek. Even though I know that is not the true reason of belonging and being complete. I have to stand on my own and find the place where it feels like I truly belong. It could be in the arms of a man, it could be in the comforting words of a best friend or maybe it really is within myself that I’ll discover where I belong. Doesn’t it just seem like the world is swinging us one way then another just playing with our sense of self and who we feel we are.
I don’t always feel confident with my thoughts or pursuing what I am but I know without a doubt that I am a good person who frequently challenges the belief that she is not worthwhile. Because I am a beautiful person who is tested for reasons unknown. I am challenged by every day on this planet because no one else in the world understands the things I face. The challenge of not being like the ultimate girl with skinny legs and breasts that fit into a classic bra because I am flawed and the industries don’t care. They just want the money to belong to them, to have that sense of ownership. While I want to belong to the world, to belong to me and to someone that completes me. Yes it’s a running theme of this piece. I want to belong like a child needs a helping hand to assist them when needed I’m at that point where I need to help myself establish a feeling of belonging to myself. Maybe the fact that I don’t feel like I belong is the reason I do, I belong to a group of lost, confused, lonely souls that are still trying to discover what life means to them and how they fit into the world.