Compelled

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Although my blog contains personal information regarding my feelings and thoughts I will never name people in my life. Perhaps it’s a way to hide or I’m not comfortable having the names out in public or I feel like they need some protection because some are innocents and others may not be comfortable with the world knowing them completely. Unless they are well known in the public eye then that may be reconsidered as their name is already out there. The guy that I am crushing at the moment will never be named either as I am torn about my feelings for him and the circumstances that surround that but I am still enjoying the fact that I have these feelings at all. For people that know me in real life I am not the most confident, outgoing person and prefer to hide in the security of the known but I am able to challenge myself in small steps. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write this down. I’ve had a few crappy days recently due to my current work situation, I am in childcare and the industry is constantly changing too fast. My current workplace is undertaking some of these changes and it is becoming too much for me yet I am unable to find the pace to change it.

I am living in the future with my dreams of travelling (again in small steps) to my dream locations and believe I cannot achieve this without struggling through some darkness with my career. I take myself too seriously and freak out easily. I am afraid that my dreams will never come true and that I will spend my life loving other people’s children. Yet this year is my year, I have been dedicated to focusing on myself through my healthy active lifestyle I have lost 10 Kilograms within the last seven months, I feel incredible and have made lifelong friends through this. I still have some ways to go but I have made a start and am seeing more positivity in my life. I am able to recognise the rising feeling of anxiety within me and can call it out, seek out ways to resolve the bubbling and yes these are mostly through writing or dancing and singing out loud.

Sometimes I find it hard to find the words to write and this year I have struggled with writing more than half a page and my story writing has suffered, I have too many ideas in my head to put onto paper in any sense. However I have the need that I must write it all down perfectly in my head but I lose the motivation easily or it ends up like what I declare to be crap. I have goals I want to achieve but I get lost inside my head and seek darkness easily. I’m still coming to terms with the loss of my mother almost three years ago and it sneaks on me at the strangest times. There are still so many questions I want to ask but I cannot any more and it’s not quite the same to ask someone else.

I get scared very easily, change scares me and feeling out of control scares me. It’s hard being a perfectionist that battles anxiety and mild OCD. I seek a time where I’m strong and fearless to a level where I don’t mind change. I am surrounded by people that can understand and keep me calm but opportunity can allude me. I am not perfect unfortunately but I am learning to read and accept my flaws and not hide or deny the things that help me through my day and keep me happy.

I am a daughter, sister, friend, cousin, human, learner, singer, woman, amateur writer and fangirl and all of that I am proud of. I do not hide from these things but I do not claim to be more than I am. I am what I am, i’m still hiding a part of myself from the world because it’s scary and perhaps I am unable to face some of that.

I felt the need to write these thoughts down and it went off on a tangent I’m sure and I’m not sure what it became but it must’ve needed to be written, to come out from my heart and soul.

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