Perhaps he knows and just doesn’t care. Or he doesn’t want to confuse the situation but my heart is breaking as I expected it too all along. As now I fully understand why a crush is a called a crush – it hurts and maims and leaves you with questions but I’m no longer under any illusions, he doesn’t see me and he doesn’t care. I was delusional to think he ever was the one. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that he could be. But now my heart is breaking, I knew nothing would come of it and yet I kept believing in maybe. I let myself get carried away with the feeling and forget the reality. The truth is there is nothing to this. It’s a one sided version of an illusion, a crush that’s lead me to a dreamlike state. I am a magical spell that’s gone awry and back flipped on itself. I’ve never truly had a broken heart before now but this is pretty intense even though the entire affair was in my heart and head and not even remotely in his.
Did I just talk to myself too much, build the idea that I could find this man more than attractive? It was just a spark that lit within my heart that I carried for far too long inside me. I let myself get out of line and carried away. He doesn’t see beyond what he sees of me; what I present to the world but then he doesn’t know the things inside my heart and mind.
I have a broken heart yet I still crave the connection, the fantasy of being his but it’s an illusion I cannot attain. I can’t pretend any longer that dreams and reality cross paths. I just have to break my own heart and find a way to not love him a little bit so this next part is easier. The moving on part, forgetting the intensity of this moment and the tear in my heart at realising the impossible must remain so. A broken heart I must manage as it’s never been love as such, only a school girl crush on a man I thought was somehow more. This one I’ve voiced, yet I can’t feel ashamed for this crush, it hasn’t been a bad ride and he isn’t a bad or inappropriate person. Reality has slipped in and my fears compound that I’m wrong for him and unworthy of love in general.
But the months have made this epic still. Longing and need I now understand. I’d keep it a secret if he doesn’t actually know but I may be too wrapped up in other pursuits to notice he never saw my starry eyed gaze his way. I never went out of my way to show him for fear and changing the rules of my life. But would he accept the real me? I haven’t had got anything beyond thoughts and feelings to back up this crush and I could never have told him, that was inappropriate but I am not ashamed that I have been through. The longest crush of my life has proven that I can converse with the opposite sex and that I am able to dwell with these feelings for a period of time that I am able to sit with them and feel them deeply and for this I will be thankful to him.
Yet perhaps this is the best thing that I have fallen and am on the path to recovering my tattered heart. That I have survived because it was not love but more fascination and attraction and that is still an incredible feat. Perhaps this crush will continue but ever so slowly my heart may shatter into smaller pieces but he will still be perhaps the greatest one of my life until I hopefully eventually fall in love with the right person.