I am writing this on August 6th 2015, you are 28 years old and 6 months. There’s something you should know about your future.
You are currently struggling with yourself, the perils of growing up and being a teenager. Life used to be easier right? Before nana died and everyone was still around. Yes you had been through a lot of bullying and harassment in year 5 but you changed schools and that eased some of the pressure. It took a long time before you made an actual friend however at this new school. You didn’t trust the world at 11 years old and were frightened by needles. Please remember that this fear will get easier in time, it will become more of annoyance than anything else. But the thing you haven’t discovered yet is the psychological reaction to tablets and capsules, this is a huge thing in your life at the moment, however while you will stumble and fall with this endeavour it is for a worthy cause. I won’t reveal that exact reason for maybe you won’t take that path but it will lead you to a somewhat happier place.
Try to focus on your studies more and not be distracted by the world of internet and TV, it seems like it is must see now but there’ll come a point when you wish you’d taken a more studious approach to your life and not settled for what felt safe. You are currently in a place where everything outside of your working life feels content and positive. Negativity becomes a significant part of your life but do not let it win. Talk to other people and let them know what you are feeling but only tell a few. There are people that will try to use that against you and you may well be aware of those people.
Please stick to the things that you believe in, follow that amazing heart and believe in yourself. Just because some people don’t like you doesn’t mean the world hates you. Some people have a hard time at 15 believing in themselves. There are people around you that experimenting with alcohol and boys and sex but you do not need to get involved with this. It will happen when the time is right, and yes I am still waiting for some of that to happen to this day but I am a bit more content with the idea that it will happen. It is more important for you to find yourself than to have the love between a man and a wife. Trust me you cannot expect that to happen without a miracle and just perhaps that miracle is believing in yourself and working on yourself. People play an important role in your life, they all teach you something and you may not realise that just yet but you know that there has been pain in your life already with certain people letting you down and that words can hurt but you will get through this. Trust yourself and focus on what you can. Life always has a way of turning out the right way.
Treasure the moments you have with your mother and father, they will change in time and will not remain the same. You only have one mother and you know how much you would be lost without her. You will become like her in some ways I can promise you. The strength she has and devoted love will become a massive part of who you are. There are times you dislike your little brother I remember but he will always be there for you no matter what even though he will grow taller than you in time and your father is truly the only man you can completely trust, believe in that connection with your family; it is rare and yours is one in a million. Remember these moments cause it won’t always be this way.
You’re writing poems these days right? Keep going on with that, it’ll turn into something one day. Can you believe you might be sharing it with other people one day? Your grammar and love of words will develop in time and you’ll spend a lot of your life escaping to the make believe world of books. You often act out role play situations in your head and have those episode outline things inside your mind, you’ll look back on that fondly and it’ll form the basis for your first novel in the most unexpected way. One of the stories you wrote in year 7 will inspire another, the one where you had the CD’s fall on the floor.
You do not need to be perfect at all, you have so much beauty inside yourself that most of the people in your life already see the shine you reflect. It’s time to believe in yourself, you want to be a singer one day that means you have to get up on stage in front of people and perform, yes you will at school but maybe not quite how you imagined. You have a unique voice and people love that. Don’t be shy or nervous because of it, believe in your passion and follow it through or until a new one arrives.
You remember that band you loved at 10 and 13 years old, yeah that one. That one that took you away from the hard times, made you smile and helped you fall in love. They will again become a major part of your life once more and help you through a massive life change that is coming. You will defend them to the death and hold the people you meet through them as some of the dearest people you’ll ever meet. Trust that and let the progression happen. It’ll heal you and make you stronger for yes there is some stigma still about them but in time that’ll lessen and you won’t care. Just wait till the time you see them play live and you’re standing in the front row, your heart will beat like crazy and you’ll scream as loud as you ever have. Please don’t throw out that cassette you taped of them from the radio, which is one of your biggest regrets; trust me. Music will become your life, while you may not understand the chords or the notes on the page the feeling you get will help you immensely.
Don’t wish to go back in time and change things, you will grow stronger in time and discover what you are made of. Trust yourself and your life. Ask for help. Try not to stress and agonise over what this or that person think of you. Don’t doubt your actions. You are strong, beautiful, loveable and able to take your time. Do not let the world rush you or feel like you need to change because the world says you should. You are a rare breed and that is a good thing. Yeah you could work on being more confident in group situations but that is still hard for you at 28. The shadows are your friend still but as I recall it for you now the toilet cubicles, there’s something comforting about four walls that contain just enough space for one person to cry in. It gets easier believe me. School is only a part of your life, the world is out there and at times it is scary and you can hide from it but at other times you have to go out there and kick it.
People will challenge you, you will fly on a plane by yourself, you’ll discover how amazing mascara is (yeah that one still seems weird to me too), you’ll still find certain things icky yes you know what I’m referring to; that greatest fear of yours (guess what that one doesn’t get any less scary unfortunately so you can probably tell that hasn’t happened even by now), don’t take up piano you love it as an instrument but you ultimately end up regretting that decision stick to the singing lessons. You will learn to drive and it’ll become second nature to you. Can you believe you actually believe one day you’ll drive through down Jetty Road and through the city? Keep those photos you took on your disposable cameras because those are your memories and you may hate that you threw them out. You will learn so much about yourself and how you interact with others but things will change for better and worse but you will cope, somehow everything seems better with a good night’s sleep. You know what’s happening at the moment with your sleep, it’ll come to a point when you’re 17 and it’ll just be better somehow but that doesn’t mean you’ll sleep a whole night uninterrupted but the stress from that decreases over time.
Try not to live your life for other people, help them and support them but at times be selfish and do what you need to for yourself. Say yes to more opportunities and put yourself out there as much as possible. Get your eyes checked but don’t hide behind the colours you get or the clothes you wear. Try to look after yourself better, lay off the chocolate, peanut butter and chips; it’ll be hard to come back from the outcome of that.