I’ve been having a few bleak days, a combination of worry and anxiety. Forcing myself to break my own heart to save my soul. A depression at realising it’s been a year since some of the greatest nights of my life seeing my favourite band live and the hell that has been working life. Yesterday morning seemed to change that a bit, maybe it was the sun and the sea or the sunshine and simplicity or getting out of the house and being around positive people. I felt grounded to my hopes and dreams. Perhaps the change of scenery helped because I usually get stuck hard and it’s hard to beat. There was a listlessness and emptiness in me. Desperation for everything at once. There’s a whole lot of blackness consuming me yet it’s seriously only from one giant thing. That thing that consumes my anxiety currently and changes the peaceful grounding I feel most of the time.
It can’t actually be all my fault. I take everything to heart and I blame myself for the entire thing yet I don’t actually know. Sure some of the complaints are real and I can improve but it’s far too much all at once, let me take it slow and at my pace. I can’t take this on my own. It eats away at my soul that everything falls into my hands and I struggle with it. I just cannot do this without help. Give me strategies and realise that my world is spinning, my life is insane in this part and I’m overwhelmed. The whole world isn’t mine to control but I like to take charge. I can charge ahead with constructive criticism and goals with reasons but it takes me longer than other people. That is a big flaw of mine, I am not easily moved in time but rather slowly wins my race. It’s hard for me to seek assistance in some areas of my life. I take it all on my shoulders believing that I can do it all on my own but the truth is I can’t. Some things I cannot do on my own and perhaps it’s simply hard for me to ask for help. I don’t know that it’s a pride thing or I feel more accomplished when I achieve something on my own. I dislike change more than anything but I feel the time may have come that I need to force it to come. I need the change to restart a passion, to rid the blackness that seeps into my soul currently.
I am a person that worries about the smallest tiniest thing to the point that it eats away at me. I can accept the responsibility for a mistake yet it still becomes a central focus for me. I stress and I blame myself but at certain times I do believe that it’s not a hundred percent true. My expectations are different to those of others, my anxiety is different to others and I can recognise the signs of the upcoming attack. The pangs in my gut, the number on the phone and my heartbeat frantically pounding. An attack that I can’t control and everything changes, the long to be touched and consoled is gone and I can only rely on myself then. Yet normally the touch of a loved one is more than welcomed.
So perhaps this is my way of saying I will ask for help more often. I will try to swallow my pride and anxiety and ask for help from those that can provide it. I will try not to be ashamed for asking or see myself as less than I am. I don’t want those bleak days to return. I know that in time these dark bleak days will become something to learn from but at the moment I’m still on the fringes of the darkness and my peaceful grounding is slowly shifting. I must find a way to ground myself for good without the ground shifting. But if you see me needing help at all, please find a way to do so. By means big or small. I’ll appreciate it and be forever grateful just remember it’s hard for me ask so be patient with me.