Transformation

Idontneedyournegativity

Last Friday night I won an award in my 4 week challenge – it was for the biggest transformation. However I wasn’t present at the presentation as I was once again sick, this time food poisoning. I honestly didn’t expect to win a thing at all. So I was in shock when I saw the video some lovely ladies had made declaring my name – I was almost in tears. This transformation I thought was going slow and undetected but someone noticed and I feel immensely proud.

A lot can happen in four weeks it seems. I can battle two sicknesses and win. I can tackle the challenge of base camp obstacles with fellow team members and I can step up to help take the dance session on Tuesdays. I feel proud and overwhelmed but in a good way. This month I officially lost ten kilograms and am struggling to fit into my size large clothes. I cannot recall the last time I wore size medium – maybe when I was 13? It’s been a long time since then. I am actively participating in more physical activity than I ever imagined, I can do pushups and sit ups and even skip. These are huge milestones for me but more than that I have

I’ve been able to channel my negative feelings into these positive aspects and it has helped my anxiety somewhat. I had a moment at work where I ran out crying – I blame too much change – I don’t cope well with all of that – one thing at a time or one step at a time in the case of my fitness because it’s not all about the physical activity and I’m not an athlete by any means but I am trying. That being said I am not adverse to change, I know it happens and I am aware of it I just don’t like it happening too quickly. I am trying to face challenges and achieve my dreams. I have an idea about my ultimate goal – to wear a bikini on a beach in Jamaica in 2017 feeling confident and happy within my body and self.

This week I returned to a former workplace where I found a sense of peace within this work, the children were engaged and listened and I was amazed. It has been three years since I was last there and upon walking through the doors I was able to see that I had grown and changed in many ways; confidence within myself and in my career (leadership wise), before leaving originally I was in denial about the love of my favourite band and had never been on a solo plane trip, now it is a yearly occurrence that I visit my cousin in Melbourne and I have plans to travel beyond this beautiful country.

Yesterday I went back to my everyday job and again the stress returned yet I still did not do a single thing, I began two pieces of paperwork which thankfully have changed somewhat, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I will return there once more to face the day to day grind of what it brings but there will be smiles and hugs and memorable moments that make the day that bit more cheerful.

My car was hit yesterday too in a carpark and I must say that while I was a little freaked by it I remained calm and dealt with the situation a bit more controlled than I thought I would. Is that some sort of growing up or just in a way a sort of transformation? There’s things that the world brings to us that we are meant to face and these continue for however long until we have reached a state of calm about them. Pema Chodron wrote that “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us all we need to know” I must say I agree with this. Transformation is not a onetime thing, It happens every day and you have to constantly remind yourself to let the anxiety slip and deal with it one thing at a time. Small steps have worked for me.

The caterpillar goes into a cocoon in order to transform into a butterfly, maybe I was in that cocoon for a long time and now my wings are beginning to form as I am transforming into a better version of myself.

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