This Is My Journey

IMG_0363

I do not need your negativity, I have enough of my own. I like what I like and it can’t be stopped by your simply saying you got to stop. How would it feel if I told you to stop breathing? because it’s basically the same thing Yes there are things dislike too but I prefer to live in my own happiness world. I am responsible to myself and I don’t need to concern myself with your shit. My world is a scary place already and if I need to wheedle more people out then I will. My heart breaks easily enough already without adding extra pressure. Perhaps you can try not judging me as I don’t judge others. I respect the differences and tolerate them. I may not agree with them but how does that affect me in the long run. Differences makes us stronger as I’ve learned through my life. I don’t have to be like you to succeed. I have to be like me to be happy and promote positive vibes. So this includes boy bands, soap operas, romance novels and writing. How does that affect you? It completes my life and gives me hope. I am lucky that I have many people in my life that appreciate me as I am and love me for it without expecting me to change.

I am merely a human with feelings and thoughts and recently I’ve been told several times I do not look my age. Was it the walls I built up as a teenager that discouraged me from rebelling or something more? I had a safe childhood but something triggered an anxious reaction in me and I retreated into myself. Never putting myself completely out there for fear of being disliked or ridiculed. A part of that still remains and I feel it in particular situations. Tell me is there a magic way I could go back in time and tell myself to hold onto what matters and not be afraid to be original or stand up for yourself cause shadows were my friend and the spotlight craved.

All we are as humans is a collection of personality, idea, passions and emotions. A part of a big picture containing different sides of ourselves. We are children, siblings, parents, friends, collegues, thinkers and humans. All these parts make a whole being with room for improving. We reach a stage where we know how we will react to certain situations and develop securities we’d prefer to be in. But life is meant to be dynamic, lived in a way that we can excel and achieve our aspirations. There are past times we engage in that we love so much that if we lost them we’d figuratively die. For me I’ve only just begun my journey and I have my moments of passive life still. I am battling anxiety daily and think less of myself than I am at times. I may be short in stature and prefer to hide but I am loud enough to speak to my mind and I can help others the best I can.

I have a compulsion to absorb everything, to hear all the songs, read all the books and write all the words, yet somehow the words get muddled, the songs skipped and the books piled up. An obsession deep rooted and ingrained in my heart and mind. A way of life settled into me. An escape from reality and another way to complain. A driving passion that consumes me, leaving me drained at day’s end.

I feel broken, depressed and lost. Every little thing keeps affecting me and I need to break. I chose the wrong path and I can’t go back. Fear surrounds me, how could I be wrong? When all I ever wanted to feel complete and loved. This world has shaken me leaving me scared once again. I’m left drowning in anxiety and uncertainty. I can feel tears beginning a journey. This life is becoming an unsolvable puzzle, the pieces a mix of jumped collections. My soul, my heart, my body and my head no longer creating the picture. Imperfection lays its claim and darkness descends around me.

But this is my journey, I fall sometimes and I fly at other times. I have things to overcome and things to live up to but it’s all a learning curve and I am beginning to believe it all has an impact and there’s a reason for the way I am and the things I like. This journey is mine and mine alone, yes people can assist and help out where possible but ultimately I will be me because I can and I cannot stop others from impacting on that but at the same time I won’t stop being me; I won’t stop liking what I like or doing what I do because it’s not hurting anyone.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s