I am many things, daughter, sister, female and human being. I believe in the best parts of people and have been told I’m kind hearted. I am loyal and someone that follows that heart with determination. I appear younger than I am – my experiences are not on par with society but I believe they’ll happen one day. I may be 28 in years but in many ways I’m still a teenager trying to figure out who she is of others and in other ways I’m wise beyond my years. I’ve seen the world as a third wheel so I’ve connected to my heart and dreams and I know what I seek in life. Happiness comes from within. How will I be happy with someone else if I’m not with myself? There’s also the chance I won’t even know how a guy likes me as it’s not something I’ve been accustomed too. Yet it shocks people I meet who don’t understand how I’ve never been even kissed. I kind of believe a kiss is more special than it is but maybe I’m the only one.
I am a contradiction, I shy away from much due to fear yet I am loud when excited or passionate. I live for music and struggle with self-esteem. I talk myself into situations and require solitude more than most yet crave human contact too. I am some sort of magic floating through the air. I need to trust my decisions and understand its ok for the feelings that take hold in my body to be there. I’ve spent so long denying it, that secret part of my heart that triggers a hormonal reaction and need but everybody gets them. It’s normal and not shameful yet I won’t talk about it still. I’m not religious at all but I have always known I would wait for the man that I marry. Yes its naïve and unexpected but I am able to make my own choices without fear or being judged.
This year has been about me, exploring who I am and challenging what I am. I have battled to drop 13 kilograms and succeeded. I have recovered my heart from a break and challenged internal demons but I have begun to believe in myself and not need to hide the passions I have. I love what I do for what I do for a reason, I may not be able to explain completely but you’d understand if I could compare to something that makes you feel complete and at peace. I am forever thankful that these passions are mine and I can indulge in them, they make me who I am and give me meaning. I am learning how to be myself and how to focus on what I want and need.
People challenge me and work challenges me and maybe it’s gone too far but I won’t change things till I reach the breaking point and by then it may be too late, but for a moment in time it seems that things get better for a bit then fall once more. But thankfully I can fall into the things I love and the people that inspire me to get me through.