Dark Princess

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Once upon a time there was a girl that lived in a castle, she had a mother and a father then came along the baby brother she spent her early years as a princess, treasured and spoiled with love. There were days filled with sunshine and laughter and happiness but that girl grew beyond childhood to an unsure teenager who relied on the family heavily, she lost herself to music and television as the world got smaller and she had her first experience with the grim reaper and life was not quite the same. The four walls of the castle grew smaller and she was welcomed by the darkness where she resided and became a dark princess. She saw her fellow princesses’ shine and her own body change. She hid behind lose fitting clothes as though protecting herself from her fears and the scary things of the world. She cried a lot and felt unwanted from her peers. She followed the rules and fought herself intensely. The pretty princess she once was got bigger and her voice got louder as she started to disappear. She craved attention but it wasn’t given how she wanted. The darkness was so inviting and then she fell in love with words. The words of the darkness spoke to her and a way to come through the pain was born.

But by now she was a dark princess, her mind possessed by the dark and shadows. It was comfortable in there with creatures that thought like her and welcomed her to the spell they cast. Yet this dark princess still had some hope to re-join the light but the darkness consumed her efforts. She fought to hide her darkness from the world, so she lost her voice and self through the struggle. She became another silent voice in a world where society rules expectations.

But now she is fighting back willing herself to re-join the light and renounce her title as a dark princess. She is not afraid to expose her thoughts or feelings to the world. She is using her challenges as a way to strengthen herself and can identify those as the darkness’s power easily. She may not be the same light princess any more as her castle now has chinks from the wear and tear of life and the grim reaper has taken away from her many times and destroyed part of her security but she is a brighter spark than when the darkness had its tightest grip.

A princess she may have wanted to remain, to be saved by a prince but his horse took him the long way, she still hasn’t seen him but she got tired of waiting for him so she saved herself. She pushed the darkness away ever so slowly through the participation with others, surrounded herself with positive people and indulged in her passions whilst still attempting to challenge those small things she feared. She welcomed the light into her heart and hasn’t looked back since. She realised being a princess wasn’t what she wanted. She just wanted love of others and to share the light to the world, to help other princesses who found themselves in a similar darkness. Through her dark journey she still felt and remained in touch with her heart and the empathy that explodes. She was strong enough not to give the darkness its ultimate objective – her soul. That always remained intact within her while her heart broke then repaired over and over.

There are princesses of varying ages all over the world that are merely beginning their journey through the darkness and others caught in the web it’s weaving over them beginning for a way out and that princess this particular princess described is me. I am proof that with a little bit of faith, a giant sprinkle of hope and a lot of trust the darkness can dissipate given enough time. Let what you love get you through and seek help from others. Every princess can shine and will in their own time just remember that you are alone.

(personal note: I struggled for a long time with depression and then anxiety and some days are still harder than others, thankfully my story has been mostly where I just wanted to hide from the world and cry or bury myself in a book or music. I have not had any urges to hurt myself/others or end the pain permanently. I have been seeing a psychologist since I was twenty three to just discuss what is happening and check in on my progress and thankfully I have not been on any medication. Every person who has depression and anxiety is an individual case and it is important to remember these affect everyone differently. Remember to treat their mental illness as such, it is not simply something that can just be gotten through with just a conversation. Mine is mild in most cases and in my case a conversation can help it reassures me that people care, that I am not alone in this world. But I always have an underlying sense of fear about my anxiety and depression.)

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