That Emotional Feeling

I think something comes over me and I want to change, do something crazy or cry but usually I just feel immense anger bubbling within me. How can people be so mean? And let their rudeness run through them when my heart radiates kindness and I think of ways to help. But this anger is frustrating me and I think perhaps I’m not accustomed to that feeling. There seems a lot I can’t control at the moment and perhaps some are adversely affecting me more than I realise. I am not an angry person but I have always struggled with feeling happy. For every moment I feel happy it’s followed by one of not. I’m afraid to be happy because it never seems to remain. I don’t trust when happiness takes hold, I’m afraid it will disappoint. Anger surges at uncontrolled moments and I seek refuge.

I am emotional, I feel so deeply within myself and the emotions of others. I must’ve been some sort of empath previously in another life because of this. I just sense how a lot of people will react and how I will to situations too. I can predict the anxiety ahead and the trigger ahead. I can acknowledge the feeling in me that cuts me in two. The thought that destroys my day. The need to control all around me and be in control of my heart. I fear so much and I let it control my dreams to the point I panic. I seek approval from others as it somehow that makes me better. I stick to things I know because I can control it and the leap is not as hard. But I am restricted in what I think and I feel that my dreams are sometimes hopeless. I know that time is meant to heal and it is meant to make things better but perhaps for me it might be worse as I care far too much about others and their thoughts.

I want to scream that the world just doesn’t understand me. I don’t belong to the way the world has turned out and the future brings me mostly fear. Perhaps I’ve come so far already but there is also just always a part of life that is darkness, set to challenge the steps you’ve taken. And when life takes unexpected turns I start to feel like the tests are ones the universe sends me for more than just a common reason. I have been trying to find myself and gain energy to follow my dreams but darkness alludes me from the light. I stay in one place as everything keeps going on around me. The world spins and I am stuck still. Emotions flow within me and I am aware that the beginnings of a compulsion are occurring and I’m finding it somewhat hard to deny or ignore what is happening with that.

Our lives are supposed to be for living and doing what we want but our fears can override it all. I tried to let the fear stay hidden and focus on my dreams and hope. Yet I still need to acknowledge that fear resides inside me and is constantly challenged by the things that life presents me. Sometimes small things have a way of becoming bigger in my mind increasing this fear. I am able to identify these now and I can seek out ways to prevent the future fear. I told myself that dreams are possible, that this fear can be overcome with faith and hope. It’s a good thing to wait and feel everything so deeply. The depth encourages others to search their souls for a place to belong and to discover the capacity of their hearts.

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