It’s only a matter of days, that’s what my father said last night. My grandpa has been in hospital for seven weeks and the signs are not looking good. I wish I could do more but I also don’t want to see him struggling with his pain. When I saw him last weekend it was an odd experience, one where I remained silent and he just looked at me. I had no idea what to say to him. I didn’t know it could’ve been the last time I saw him. I perhaps naively believed he would recover and be something like he used to be. A simple, dedicated loving man. But that has slipped away, his body has other plans and now the call is being sent from above for him to return. Perhaps time will play tricks but I’m not sure what the big picture is.
The truth is I am not particularly close to him but I have always respected and loved him for the man he is and the one he raised my father to be. Our journeys are about lessons, I know people teach us just by their presence and his influence is remarkable but death and serious illness make you think about your prior losses and experiences. All of my goodbyes have been somewhat known and time was able to prepare me for some sort of everlasting goodbye. Yet the actual moment changes your life, scaring you and leaving a part of your heart empty and ripped to exposure. It never heals. Time heals some of the cracks but it’s as though it’s repaired with sticky tape because one tiny movement can open the wound and leave you bleeding.
It has been fifteen years this November since the grim reaper descended and brought forth my first experience of death. Taking away some of the light and leaving thirteen year old me with a new view of the world. Since then I have come to terms with the knowledge that nothing is permanent, it still haunts us however. The grim reaper has descended twice since then and it appears another is to be anticipated shortly. Some of my memories have faded and I cannot recall complete pictures of the people who had souls inhabiting them. Has this been because of my younger age at the start? or does time simply fade the memories to focus on the here and now?
The grim reaper is paying another visit, and again we are somewhat prepared but why must it be this way. Why must we fear the grim reaper? Why must he come at the moments when people could use a bit more faith? I sincerely hope that in the place of the light they are able to live in the afterlife in comfort with others from their past. It makes you aware of the things a life should contain and I know I am not prepared myself to welcome my own fate to the place of light as yet. There is far too much for me to do in this life and I feel immense pressure to do it all at once but there is a plan for our lives that unfolds in its own time. Life only has meaning because there is an end date unknown, so we make the most of what we are given, surround ourselves with love and passion and hold like hell to our memories when we lose a part of that life. Life is the most amazing thing we are given and to treasure the life of another for however long they are wit