We set things in place, routines, hopes and challenges and yet someone can seek through and destroy that part where control was yours. I know this time it is just me, that my mind wants perfection and frustration is the limit blown thrown out. Blown to extreme. I have reasons for setting controlled circumstances, I can be in charge of what happens or at least pretend so. But lately that need has been driving me crazy. I want all surfaces clean and everything put away in its correct place. I can’t control my life yet I’ll try and find no solace in the outcome. I think if it involves other people then I’ll be more annoyed. They are the ones that run the control out of me and destroy the peaceful state I created. Life changes on an hourly basis and people care about their own selves. I tend to think of others too much and that is where I fail. I think that this could react badly or they will develop an opposite opinion of me that is wrong. I wish I could control the way others see me so that my peaceful state remains. But I can’t.
If I had my way, control would dominate my bubble, like I’d weave a magic wand and it would fall into place the way I want. But I am out of control emotionally and no higher being is able to help. I have become my own mess and destroyed myself. To the point I may not ever recover. Can I at least control that part of myself? The part where I can heal, to be normal and not care of the opinions or actions of others. I can control only so much and at times it bothers me but I try to focus on the things that help alleviate my worry and push aside the people that make it harder. I want to help myself and help the world to remain safe. I want to feel the control and be the best I can, but I want to push myself too. Perhaps in controlled circumstances I can. I can make the area of my control wider and not feel so scared. But people, I can’t control others or what they do. I react a certain way when they break expectations and it confuses my brain. My brain wants to work and my heart aches for every dream.
I have been more aware of my emotions in past days, I’ve seen the need to control take over and I’ve run with it. I’ve felt the part of my heart needing perfection around me as I can’t control the world. I’m spiralling, spiralling to the bottom where I don’t control the world. I stand on the edge of anxiety and needing the control. I don’t know how to push this through or where to take myself but at some point I am going to have to let go of control eventually and take myself to a new level.
This morning I saw my psychologist and for the last few session they have been basically just check in sessions as I have been able to deal with my life and anxiety better. I made the point that some people who have OCD don’t see that it is affecting their lives but I am aware that my compulsion stems from my need to have everything sorted and in place. But at least I am aware of it and can change things if I need to. I can push myself through this need to control these aspects of my life and somehow deal with the mess I consider the hardest thing.
There are only certain things we can control in our lives and I suppose our immediate environment is one of them, I cannot control the work situation other than the way I react to it and the way I speak to the children in my care. I think the way their faces light up in wonder and happiness at seeing me and running to me for hugs lights up my world and helps put the world into perspective. I won’t control their lives but I do get to play a part in these early years. I try to control the environment there but at the end it just ends up in confusion and I cannot. The only thing I can control is myself.