Broken

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There’s a photo I just recently found after hiding it in a box for a while, a photo from early 2009 at the wedding of a cousin and it’s actually hard to look at it now. So many promises broken and hearts broken, lives lost and a shifted understanding. That couple no longer claim to love each other the same way. It’s a broken world and they could’ve survive the world’s clutch. Was it meant to be? If it only ended in a broken heart then what was the point. In the six years hence it’s hard to recall those days when no one blamed anyone and the world wasn’t as broken. I sat on a pew and watched them exchange vows that are meant to be forever but that has become dust. Maybe I believe in working through things that matter enough before letting them fall apart.

I’ve never been in love so my heart hasn’t felt the immensity of all consuming passion but I have had a broken heart due to other circumstances. I have battled through dark belief when I stood on a cliff’s edge. I have broken friendships but only at the point of extremity. Yet I do believe love to be different than that of friendship, it is the most awe inspiring thing a person can do. So people throw it away for something new? Do they not realise how lucky they are to have that person in their lives, some love ends prematurely due to death and then there’s me single and people have options to love more than one person? How does this not ache your heart? How can you not hold that person tight at night and completely accept them into your heart? I may never feel that feeling as these selfish people aren’t able to keep hold and want to run.

You may break up several times but if you don’t try to work at it then you may never fix yourself. You have to try as hard as you can and consider others. How will you know what they are thinking if you don’t ask or you don’t work at it? If something breaks you fix it or try like hell to do so. We as humans are a miracle and we are not broken, we fall and fail but we pick ourselves up and we try the best we can. We are human; perfectly flawed and created to learn. Not to be broken by others in ways we cannot fathom. They say treat others like they treat you and things will be right but the world is filled with selfish people who don’t remember that, they want and they take. They don’t remember how wonderful it is to give and receive a smile or small gesture in return. Inside we fight like hell to keep our pieces together and not show the world that some of the parts are broken. We assume that strength comes form not showing our weakness to the world but it is really how we recover from these struggles that shows our strength.

Sometimes I have a feeling that I am broken but even that I know that I don’t completely mean it like that. It simply means that I feel downhearted and sad but I can pull through it. I can beat away those shadows and I can find the way to the light but it takes time to get there. Broken isn’t an emotion but it’s something I know. Something I’ve claimed many times, to stand somewhere high and scream out all the worry. I need to acknowledge that when the broken feeling arrives it is real and it deserves to be heard. To say to the world I am here and I deserve to acknowledge it.

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