There was this need inside me, to let something flow from my eyes, I could feel I wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed and emotionally spent. Maybe it was exhaustion or it was more – tiredness? Perhaps the immensity has caught up to me. My brother’s wedding is over and I spent a lot of time invested in that. Yet it was a hard day and I’m still recovering from it. My feet still ache from hours on the dance floor. But I wouldn’t change anything. Is it a worry bubbling under the surface, fears that burn my soul and take over dreaming of brightness. Is it the thought that somehow I’m not good enough returning. Is it merely the fact it’s December once again and come the New Year it’ll be another anniversary without my mother? Could it be my eternal spinsterhood rearing itself after such the occasion as Saturday? Is it jealously? Or envy? Or is it merely that nothing seems to be done and things are stuck in limbo half finished. Is it days filled with busyness that compound against inspiration? Is it the silly season ahead that I dread days of crowded shopping centres and time wasted by simple things but I’ve become less organised than before.
Is it 24 hours is not enough, compulsion is far too much. So much to achieve, so little time in the world. I feel I’ve done nothing and yet I know that’s untrue, I’m simply taking my time and making sure it works for me. Maybe I’m fearing the fact that next month marks a new year and my first overseas trip. I’m worried about a lot of things and maybe time management is not my friend. Maybe I just want perfection and it will never come my way. I seek want and need but I am not the one to deny when emotion strikes. Could it be control I seek? Control something? Or is the burning scream coming to wreck my lungs with its piercing sound? The build-up of anticipation and challenge that’s pushed me further. Maybe it’s every day that brings me to wanting to curl up in a ball and hide. Or the threat of time ticking and the world becoming a scarier place? Is it the way my heart reacts to new dangers and pleasures? Is it obsession taking hold and demanding it be taken notice of.
Growing up? Could that be it? Next year is the last of my twenties. What have I honestly achieved in the last nine years? I’ve lost more than I care to admit and gained more but I’m not on par with my peers. I’m stuck and maybe that’s where this emotional feeling stems from? I’m spending my days trying to take look after myself and a lot of people don’t realise that’s a huge task for me. I didn’t really put much thought into the thought that 29 is actually huge for me. But I suspect this time of year is just always to bring painful memories when it arrives. I love what Christmas means but it’s no longer the same to me. My heart isn’t completely in it and it devastates me. Are my emotions playing up earlier than expected?
I do let my emotions control me maybe a bit too much but what can I do? They are what make me who I am. They are what channel me to my passions and inspire me to be better.