I think I wanna Know

I think I wanna know. I wanna feel that touch. The taste of his lips on mine. I think I want to feel that skin to skin contact. I think I want to know what it feels like to be held by someone that truly cares. To sleep in his arms through the night and feel safe. I think I wanna wake up to his lips on my shoulder. Be filled with happiness upon awaking. I think I need to learn what makes me happy but what it takes to push myself to be involved in a relationship. Yes there’s a huge hurdle to overcome, I don’t trust others easily and I fear the intimacy yet crave it too. There’s no Mr right for me I’m sure and I’m afraid to put my heart on the line but surely it’s not normal that I’m nearly 29 and I’ve only just had my first kiss. I’ve always been slow with my milestones and emotionally I’m only somewhere near sixteen. Did I ruin my ability to love by myself? Did my anxiety push others away and not welcome them into my circle.

I think I wanna know the touch of his hand on my skin. The tugging sensation of lips on sensitive flesh. I think I’d want to be the girl to give him pleasure in return. I know I’m the girl that feels things inside her body she can’t explain. I feel this sensation overtake me and images fill my head of skin on skin and touches in private places. I imagine myself laying somewhere with eyes closed and hands gripping his hair as noises overtake the two of us. Then that feeling increases and everything I think I know disappears. My body controls the need I get, it needs to be given what it wants but there’s a war in my head fighting with the hormones travelling through. How do you give yourself when you know all along you’ve wanted some sort of perfection, a ring and a promise?

I’m old enough to know I trust my heart, I know that my Mr right is out there on the back of a turtle perhaps but maybe I’m over waiting or believing that he’ll arrive before my 30th birthday. This is not what I hoped for my life but he must be out there, someone that wants me for my mind, body and soul. I sincerely hope that this need diminishes for a time as it’s becoming something that overwhelms me daily and takes up much of my daydreaming. I am more than this girl. I am strong, Independent and full of dreams not involving men. So why does this feeling seem to cripple me? Why does it become something I let override me?

I think that this is the time when my body screams out at me, it tells me that it seeks more and I think I want to know the completion of that feeling. I think the thing about me is I want perfection and I want to know that this man is the one that will hold me whilst I cry or comfort me while I sleep. I think I wanna know that I fit in someone arms perfectly, that I can honour my heart whilst my body continues to yearn for need. I think I want to know what this need is all about and I think I want to know that overwhelming can decrease upon accepting it and perhaps giving in into it. But there’s a constant battle within my heart and head telling me which path to take, to accept the need or continue to deny it.

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