I suppose it’s become a thing for me, not an excuse but maybe a crossroads of sorts. I’m stuck wondering if the things I wanted are really what I want or if fate has pushed me in this direction for a reason. I know there’s a thing called a mid-life crisis where you supposedly splurge on material items but I am not there yet. I wake up some days and wonder what the point is. I feel stress eating away at my body and it only builds and builds till I crumble in pieces. I’ve placed so many expectations on myself and at times it feels like if I let one fall they all do. I am still afraid to change some things about life and I know that contributes to it all. My quarter life crisis breaks me apart and I am forced to revaluate myself. I always say life has to get better than when I was friends with the darkness. I feel thankful for so much more yet there’s still a part of me that wonders if my life is simply a test or a game of sorts.
But currently I am struggling with the idea of life. That at some point I have brought this on myself, that the things I’ve wanted and believe in have brought me to this point. I was the maker of my own disaster and I led myself to this place but then I can get myself out of it somehow. But the world contains no security or proof that things will get better. Sometimes I’m left thinking that life shouldn’t be this hard, that the plan for my life should be set out without challenges that hurt or make me fail. I spent so much of my life believing that everything I wanted would happen in it’s own time but maybe that is what stopped them happening? I need to push myself into actually achieving the things that I want rather than hoping for the best. I have become better accustomed at accepting the negative but I still know that I keep expecting it. I expect disappointment to the point that I’m not surprised when it hurts or comes true. I’ve lived for years with that thought and then for the times it’s all good I’m in disbelief.
I wonder if this is the part where it starts to begin, where the worry leaves and the hope descends. The whole idea of life is that it is for living and maybe I haven’t for a while as this has become dark to me but now there’s these questions left lingering. How do you break out of the crisis? And how do you change your thoughts? In an ever changing world nothing is consistent and the future remains unclear to the point it scares me. I thought I’d come far but I hadn’t as much as I believed. I was stuck but now I’m aware of it. I’m aware of the pattern.
I wonder if there are others that have similar feelings that I do. Is a quarter life crisis actually something that everyone can go through? Have others been through this? I think mine has only just begun and I am in for a long haul with daily challenges. And in my darkest moments I’ll blame myself. I’ll blame the universe for not knowing how to help me through this or for placing me at this point where I’m questioning much and wanting to just know. Is this just one more test to overcome? Rather than the giant test of life itself? Is this the point where my future becomes clear or just another hurdle to overcome where I jump through the sky only to fall into a dark swirl of depressing thoughts? Is this part where I learn who I really am? And who is truly the most important to me. Is a quarter life crisis destined to be my legacy? Or will I become stronger from the whole thing.