And yet the old foes returns, to haunt my dreams as I try to rest. Old moments of insecurity where the world seems smaller and I seek comfort the best I can. It’s only one night but it seems like the end of the world and in such close quarters everything changes, I become a child again and I feel tears begin to form. I begin to resent stepping out of my comfort zone and challenging myself. I wonder why I left home, what actually made this need start within me. I suppose that to a point I think I want more from my life. I do want to explore and travel but a nagging ache burns inside me. Night time I am alone with my thoughts and everything emerges, it flits to the surface. The things I once thought I’d overcome have been brought back to the surface and I panic. Is this just simply something the night time brings to me and I allow it to stay with me.
Most people by age 28 have travelled wide and far but I wasn’t interested at all. I wanted and craved the security of the familiar. I stayed where the night time was easy and I indulged in the pain. I liked the attention and I craved having this thing that made me smaller somehow. That I could shrink to a dot and be that little and scared girl that needs protecting. But I stopped being her long ago and I think it just took time to catch up to myself, to acknowledge the changes. Perhaps my limits have changed or I’m still only comfortable with so much. Night time presents a challenge to me, I’m not sure I understand how exactly. I know I appreciate the routine I have and the familiarity of it. But this time I have reached a point where I am beyond who I believed I was. I am free to be myself and I can let myself be whatever I want. I am on an adventure and somehow I have discovered how to be flexible in different situations. I can interact with others and engage in many conversations yet the night-time is still looming and I fear the darkness of the unknown. I can face some darkness for there is always something hiding within in.
Isn’t the night simply a time when everything resets, when the fears are worked through in our dreams or nightmares? The time we could have to ourselves so why do I fear it so much? Why do I crave simply staying in rather than facing the challenging world it brings with it? The night life of creatures similar to me that I hide existence of. The night time brings forth the fears of my childhood. The fear that everything could change simply by being asleep or the thought that I should be doing more than just sleeping. I suppose you could easily say that I am one that finds it rather hard to switch this brain off as the night time arrives. I ponder questions from long ago, surprise myself with wonder at things I’ve previously done and freak out about future endeavours way in the future, but I’ve always been this way. I never seem to settle easily and maybe that is my curse; the night time is not my friend, it’s merely the transition phase for me to get through behind my four walls. If only dreamland was a place I was eagerly invited then the fears and anxiety may be eased somewhat to a point I could do so without worry.