I had to follow that nagging in my gut so I initiated the conversation in part I explained the want to explore that thing between feeling good and what happened but a phone call is not what I would have preferred but it was better than nothing. I knew even while talking that what I actually wanted is someone to allow me to explore and yet be open to helping me do so. I realise that you are not that person, I think maybe I even realised that before our conversation and from my inability to completely vocalise the truth yet you knew what I was saying. The silences and strange quirks in your voice spoke volumes. From the last sentences exclaiming “So we’re still friends right” it was clear that these thoughts had not even crossed your mind. So why did I think a move was worthwhile. I had never before believed you to be someone I could love beyond the line that we actually crossed. Given your history with two of my other friends I don’t want to be simply a number yet I still am thankful that it was you who I shared my first kiss with and I felt safe to do so, but there remains a part of me that wishes you weren’t so blinded by it in the first place.
Perhaps this whole thing was a way to remind me that I need to focus on myself, to reveal the wonder that is me and perhaps accept that this bubbling thought is normal to a woman my age. Yes I am a rare case, at twenty eight I have yet to fall in love or even date yet my story is not interesting, I just battled internal demons far too long and only now am leaving them in the past. I’m somehow no longer afraid to admit to myself that I want certain things. My body is craving human connection but that’s not you it’s seeking.
So as I initiated the conversation I knew I’d blab my way through, I’m not sure how a man thinks much less how I think myself. I only know there’s an urgency at times where I can feel desperation but whilst I know you care, it’s only to a point apparently. And I get it, everybody has a tunnel of vision; an awareness of what they seek and I am not within yours. That is ok. I am strong enough to move past it and somehow I know there is someone out there that will fit with me in the way intended. I do wonder if I’d been more outgoing in my teen years if this would be happening still but I spent so much time scared of the world it’s hard to imagine. And I suppose I didn’t let you take your turn as my impatience wore thin with waiting for you make it happen.
Maybe I’m just running out of reasons to ignore it any longer. To feel the frustration with you and use it to power myself into something else or remember that the old saying of other fish in the sea; pray that it’s true for me. Because while I gave up on waiting for your move I honestly don’t know if I could ever see you that way again. I crossed a line with myself even trying to push a little bit further and then my mind ran away with me. So I suppose that from now if you want to move in that direction it is up to you and we’ll see if time is our friend or if too late is simply too late. For now I will move on and accept that friendship is present and will continue hopefully. I will endeavour to forget the invisible line drawn between us that has been ignored but I wonder if you’ll hide the conversation or I’ll just change it every time it comes up.
Now I’m off to make my move on the world, cause now is my time to discover what I can be without you or whatever this would’ve been if anything had happened between us. My move now is to go forth into the world.