I am fascinated by thing of distance both physical and metaphorical. There are people I thought would make the choice to remain in my life when high school ended but I barely speak to anyone from my graduating class. Is that a reflection on me or them or simply the time of years separating the closeness which once existed? Yes I seek strong friendships which apparently they weren’t. I tried to reach out and perhaps was shot down too many times to actually keep trying. People move on, they forget what was once important to them and perhaps some wanted me out of their lives even the ones I believed I was close to. But with technology the way it now is it shouldn’t seem so hard to reconnect or establish connections. We are all people who want to feel wanted. I built foundations for the wind and rain only to destroy them during the intervening time and we let the destruction continue as growing up takes hold and life pressures us to be a certain way. But people who are separated by oceans and roads seem to be closer as they actually connect. It’s hard for the people in real life to mix their daily lives without hassle. Yet people go to extreme lengths when the heart is involved, to conquer their love. Am I to be distanced from everything I want, the people it thought I wanted in my life who no longer seek the connection? Are they simply part of the path to discovering the beauty of true friendship?
Distance it seems is a thing in my life, the time it has taken to get a point where there are people that genuinely care for me and people that no longer judge me based upon my appearance or the things I’m passionate about. The majority of my close friends respect that I am who I am. I do wonder how it has just become my turn recently, that I had this fear inside that I wasn’t good enough for someone because they never seemed to give me time. People came and went and second best was all I was. For the longest time I didn’t believe in best friends and I may still have my doubts but ever so slowly that is changing. I am opening up and realising that distance is not my problem. I’ve reached out as much as my heart could take but giving up was keeping me sane and breaking me down.
Sometimes I knew my heart was fragile beyond repair and yet I’d seek the connection. I have been responsible for some of the goodbye’s I must admit and I broke my own heart in the process but I had to. Was it a result of Karma from my childhood coming back? Or is the distance simply not mine to conquer?