Now

I am not fickle, I cannot change with the tides on a mere whim. I am steadfast to the things I hold dear and the people who give their support. Yet I am open to the differences of the world and give respect to the effort of others. It may not be for me but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There’s a path we all follow, one meant for each of us filled with everything we need and lessons we learn but in some ways I’m wanting the answers now rather than beyond today. I feel empty without some security and in this age of instant gratification there’s a need to know burning in me. What is the plan for me at this moment? Is there likely to be a reason why the darkness has returned or why I am struggling to believe. Now I am aware of it and attempting to push my way through to the light. Now I can change my thoughts and focus on making myself right rather than these thoughts and feelings that are dragging me to another world. Perhaps I’m over thinking time or allowing little things to get under my skin too much. There is a lot of scary things to get under my skin too much. There is a lot of scary things in this world and I may react unkind to some but most of the world is amazing if you see it in a better light. I can see the way the sunlight filtered through the leaves and the touch of grass under my feet.

There are people that are getting second chances at love and even now I’m waiting for my first chance. I’m not bitter but to some point it seems unfair. Is this my plan set for me? Singledom? If there’s fish in the sea? Am I finishing in the wrong places? Or am I the fish that somehow escapes the net? I see countless relationships end for multiple reasons and that’s just it I watch. I’m not a part of the breaking or the making. I don’t know a thing about real relationships and to some degree I think that’s a shame but on another I’m rather grateful that life has lead me this way. I’ve had the opportunity to truly learn the potential of me and focus on myself, reveal in what makes me who I am but will the plan ever involve moving beyond just me. I’d like to think one day I could be comfortable with another person, that life could take on that direction and I’ll be happy with it. I may resist the idea partly, that everything will change and that sends a jolt of fear through me but is the plan teaching me something about myself? This is the time I need to dig my heels in and let it be. I have so much love to give out yet but inside I want to receive some. Do I need to change something in order for this process to occur or simply wait for time to catch up with my heart? The time will one day be right for me to take the chance on another heart. Maybe I think there’s more to relationships that there actually is. But now is not the time to ponder the failure of others but remind myself that this is alright. I am not so different to others but even in the ways I differ that’s not a bad thing. It sets me apart from the crowd.

Now I can take on risks, I can attack challenges and see my flaws without hating myself, I can think in new ways and I admit to my mistakes. Now I am still on my journey to total understanding of myself. The thing is I know there will be stumbles, mountains and valleys still. My journey has only begun and now comes the part where I need to define some of me to myself. I cannot stop myself from feeling so deeply or resent the need for more. Now I stand on the edge of my future and wonder to the stars what will unfold on the plan. I know some of it will test me and force me to rationalise or realign my beliefs, but now I don’t have to be ashamed of them or defend them. I believe in myself and I believe in what works for me without needing approval. So for now I just need to believe in myself more and trust I am being taken on the right path for me. I can take this darkness and embrace it aware that it exists within me or I can resent it and refuse to accept its prescience. But why use my energy to refuse when I know it’s simply a moment of time.

I am better today than I was yesterday and I am stronger. Now I see myself in a better light and tomorrow can only become filled with brightness. I can look in the mirror and see a woman who is becoming a butterfly. Who has moments of wanting to return to her cocoon, to the safety of childhood and innocence of days gone? Yet she knows that’s no solution. She knows she has to fight herself to keep the colours she shows sparkling

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