Between

I find myself on this place between coast lines and the blue ocean swirls either side of me. I am between Islands and in my life I am between so many things, in between a child and woman, between the dreams I think of and the ones I seek to achieve. In the midst of adventure I travelled back in time to before and for a moment I sought to be in the before time. But halfway through the trip now and my thoughts have scattered to days of future ahead. To where the new after part begins. To put things into place that are on my mind and sort through others. But just as this ferry is between two pieces of land I am between who I want to be and who I am. I am between this journey of life and halfway to success.

I have been brought to my lowest anxious moment and I have scaled my success with joy. Yet now comes the time that I crave the familiar; a home cooked meal, fresh clothes, my own bed and time to myself. It’s creeping up, I crave them now but once they are returned will I seek that adventure again. Feeling between in another way. I have plans I seek to put in motion and perhaps I’m too eager to begin when I should be revelling in this beauty around me and saying yes to adventure but I know the crash will happen. The restlessness to be more and the freedom to be in my own space without others around. Just maybe I have shown myself that I am better in the between than upon reaching the goal. Anticipation is the biggest adrenaline there is. This between phase where you can feel your heart pumping and engage with this extreme want

There is a chance between the darkness when the light and clarity hit you. You spend so long screaming and being afraid before the light returns, between fear of the dark and acceptance what is there? A moment where the rational reason clicks and the pondering eases. If you can’t beat the darkness you shouldn’t fear it. You can attempt to tame it or befriend it. Or you simply accept that at this point in time you are in the darkness and make the best out of it. You can rationalise it within yourself or you can work out a way to make it work for you. The choice to be afraid of the dark is not an easy one, for darkness can sometime bring clarity and within our dreams during the traditional night-time we work through a great many of our fears.

Within the between time is the anxiousness and anticipation, this between time is the most amazing part, where you either succeed or don’t. Where you live in the moment and push yourself to achieve that success or change your course. These are the moments that you spend your entire lifetime waiting to get back to, waiting is the thing everyone has done more than any other. We are waiting for some grand thing to take us to an amazing place or for that person to captivate us completely. For me the between times seem to be elongating as the days pass by, I am between the girl I was and the woman I am meant to be. In my mind I am younger than I seem. Emotionally as though a sixteen year old possess me and not a woman on the verge of her thirtieth year. Was there something important I missed? Some vital steps in the plan to allow a woman to feel complete within her own body is it simply this part of transition where I am starting to believe I may no longer need a prince charming.

Then there is the between as simple as completing a piece or writing or a story, life gets busier and the ideas pop into my head but the time or correct words don’t. I have simply realised recently that life shifted with my mother’s passing and I have not completed a story since that time just over four years ago. Was it priorities shifting? Or was it simply a means to grieve and now I must find this inspiration and routine to complete what I started and return to that feeling of joy instead of feeling burdened within myself to make it perfect. I may never be perfect and perhaps stuck in different sorts of between for a while but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to pass through it somehow.

 

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