I go through moments of needing to be alone and times where I need people. I may be lonely or not. I have people that understand my moods and I need a sanctuary, to be myself without reality crashing in. This path is littered with broken bones and wooden hearts impaled on poles. I know there are bright moments in this path but I tend to settle in the brokenness. I’m looking for someone to save me but it should be myself. I should rescue myself and become the heroine but somehow I can’t – at least not yet. My head tells me it’s irrational and argues the point with itself, and my heart battles a war with itself. I may be alone at times but mostly I’m not drowning in it.
There must be a part of myself that is sabotaging this idea that I can be happy with another. That I must find a way to succeed on my own without letting a soul in. I must work through it, to find a way to deal with myself first. To struggle through a crisis and accept things on my own before I can finally accept another person. I am open to experiences but fear holds me back from pursuing others. I think I want something but instead I just learn lessons of defeat and I fall. Spiralling back to a place where I am alone and unable to deal with life so I don’t try.
The loneliness can arrive, when I see people that are contented with careers, family and involved with outings. I’m not the joining kind really unless it’s my choice. I need time to adjust and I can’t explain. I seek many dreams but lack the spark to see it through completely. I let them consume me, I let it overtake me. I let the feeling of being alone become me. My new identity and settling into a feeling where no one really understands. You struggle to understand and I struggle to fight realities grip on me. Dark nights consume me and sleep takes me over. In my dreams I am not alone and the depression is not around me.
There are more times that we feel alone than that we can possibly remember but there are different levels. We can simply be alone by a moment or alone by choice but then I can personally say that other times it is coincidence or a life choice that isn’t our own. There are people that make you less alone in the form of family and friends. Still a heart longs for more, to feel more than simple loneliness. To truly feel less alone and be completed. Yet this life is not exactly always what you plan. Alone can be amazing but it can also be ultimately depressing. Yes the levels are there and always remind me that the fact of being alone comes and go. We need others to enforce the beliefs of us but we are singular so only require so much.
Stand on a ledge to see the world from a different view. It all looks so vast and small from the height you are at. In the world there are often things that are made bigger by our thoughts than actually are. But the world is a massive place, it changes every day, perspectives and to one person it describes so much. We are one in the world but we are all at times alone in the immensity of the world there are several times that this being alone thing is exactly what you need, to repair and recover and remind yourself what is important.