At this point I may have to admit that I won’t be seeing those dreams of mine come true. It seems like I wished them only yesterday instead of many years ago. That I’d find my prince charming and have four walls of my own with a few running feet too. But then I also wished to be a famous singer and actress once then reality crashed into me. The dream that stayed seems to be the one that is impossible. How do you even talk to someone? Initiate that conversation? I’m not even sure how I try to push it away. There’s a battle in me, I don’t understand a need but I feel it deep. That I’ll miss the moments because my body will only produce for so much longer and I’m not even close to being there. I’m scared I’ll miss it and regret will only fill my heart. How do you become beyond it? Do you ever just understand it wasn’t in the plan even though it’s all you wanted?
I never thought this feeling would be so overwhelming, this maternal need bubbling within me. I spend days surrounded by children whom I adore but it’s not quite the same somehow. I see people say they don’t want any which I respect yet I’m not sure I understand how one cannot feel this maternal yearning. This is what humans do right? At least biologically? But yet not all do, I get that and I’m dwelling in this part. Has this become my fault? Is my plan simply not what I expect it to be? And will this pass me? Will it be a positive outing? Maybe I’ll come through it with a new perspective? Or will I just be yearning still. I have a caring nature but I can’t see my future without little humans in it, I just can’t. But even now I’m beginning to question the actuality of it happening. I want it but there’s fear attached at the same time.
I acknowledge there’s fear in my heart and perhaps the road I’m on isn’t what I expected. But perhaps I may not know my future or even know what I really want with it. The future isn’t all up to me and I know I can influence it but only to a point. I believe that there is a destiny we all have, no matter what a basic plan is; the outline isn’t our choosing. It’s the specifics that are. And yet I suppose it’s not for me, my overall plan hasn’t come to be. And I’m in a moment of confusion. The life plan isn’t one we completely control. I suppose I’m partly glad for that but I’ll be waiting for my own tiny human and maybe than I’ll be reflecting back on these days I’m currently living. There’s my catch-22. I yearn deeply for the bond because maybe I feel I’m lacking something. When does the life plan make sense? If it ever will and if I’ll have that bond.
A life is precious and some take it for granted. My heart breaks at loss and rejoices in the joy. Still my own happiness is not on that level. I’m trying to be happy with myself but the push I need may result in tears. I have the yearning but is it my thinking or truly something more. Is this the part I begin to understand? Or the part it all falls apart? Do I simply have to refocus? Shift these doubts of never gonna happen and turn them into something else. This life plan may be only changing bringing awareness to me. Hoisting this feeling or just adding to it. Can I find a medium somehow, pursue a life I want and still know I’ll achieve a bond with another person. There is a fear attached to change for me and there’s fear that my life plan won’t be unfolding as I’d like and even in the chance it does.