I thought I was getting better but it all slipped. Weeks have passed with many ups and downs. I feel lonely, I feel afraid. I feel confused by the smallest of things. Out of control with such simple tasks. Yesterday I cried because a car was following too close behind me and I missed my car park. I cried when I’d finally found one and ran late for the appointment. I felt it was my fault and that the only option was to cry. I got a release with the doctors note yet I still felt I’d be letting everyone down if I didn’t show up so I did but I finally spilled my soul about how out of control I felt with that situation. What had I been waiting for? Maybe my strength had been corrupted by a part of my mind, yet it was all too much. These have been weeks I’ve tried my best but I’ve collapsed quite a bit and I don’t know how to recover from it. I’ll take a small step and the world will seem bright for a while but then I suppose I overthink something and my world crashes. Is it one of those things I’ll never understand, something that will just come of its own accord. I don’t want to hide from the world, today I merely did some errands to get out of the house but that felt like a miracle. Is my schedule far too busy that I just can’t relax? I feel this need of perfection run through me, things must be put away in the right place, surfaces clean and my mind sorted. But I cannot control the world or most of myself.
I am within a dark cloud, I am aware. I tried to reach out at some point and felt that it was wrong to ask for help then. That there was only so much others could do but this time it feels somewhat different. The quarter life crisis is blossoming and I’m stuck in the middle without rescue, with most of my dreams still to be seen. I’ve gone backwards, preferring to stay indoors without a thing outside but I still crave a bit of human connection. I am afraid that tomorrow will bring more obstacles that are unachievable, that my life is partly a mistake; I should’ve taken a different road at some point? I should’ve been more interested in parties, fashion and what not in my teens instead of burying myself in music and books but I was not comfortable with myself then. Is it still that now? I can’t begin to fathom the things ahead, goals feel like reasons not to begin and I feel I can’t think beyond this week ahead.
At the moment nights seem like hours of endless darkness, sleep comes eventually but it means another day arrives where I repeat the same patterns to keep my mind and heart at ease. I hide in the dreams I never remember and my mind wanders to things I could’ve done or said instead. And then when the morning arrives, I hardly want to rise from it. But I hope it’s simply something more than my depression returning, am I getting sick? I am not afraid of the depression but I have fought so hard to not let it win only to have these battles returning. There are many things that run through my mind, if I’ll ever find someone to love me or am I destined to be on my own forever. Does this darkness make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex or is that only in my own head? I feel like I’m running out of time for love and to have my own child. With my twenties approaching their end what have I really done with them?