This is quite simply a bump in the road. It’s trying to teach me something, about myself, about choices and the world. I don’t know the answers but I hope one day I will. I’ve been to the darkness once more, felt the need to hide my broken pieces only for them to explode anyway. I may be down with choices ahead but I will find a way to fight. I may be struggling with much but somehow I will get there. Always close to that moment where I break apart, never far from tears and that world ending feeling. I brave it all but sometimes I just want someone to take care of it. Help me, save me, rid me of this nagging feeling, these things that ache at my heart and the opinion of others that are not important. But no such person exists. There’s only me to fend myself away from the things that cause the darkness’s return. And I am not good at saying no to its arrival. There’s always something inviting about welcoming back the darkness.
I am not perfect in anyway and yet I compare that to those who have my so called idea of perfection. I want to rush time and do nothing all at the same time. That’s no way to live. And I still cling to things people have been in the past. But everything changes, nothing remains consistent and the world is filling me with fear. All I seek is a way to bring my days filled with a thing I love and that is profitable financially. Someone to love and love me back in the way it should be. I am afraid that I missed a step at some point and now I’m simply a stick drifting down the river with no real purpose. Just someone with nothing. What my purpose is, is just lost in a void. Or my heart is far from worthy and all can see it. My self-belief drifts too low and I doubt all I am. How the darkness seeps in I cannot explain. Yet all it takes is a single thought that brings it back. Bringing with it fear and insecurity.
How am I to try more when all times it seems like a pattern of destruction? The happiness doesn’t last and the blackness seems more real. It extends beyond days and through the hours every choice seems massive. I’m putting too much pressure on myself and still I can’t adjust or accept that this my life. Learn to be content with what I am and figure the things I can change will happen. The world someone knows that everything will happen in the time it is meant to. There is plan for all of us and I need to reach a point where I simply am able to trust that plan without hesitation. But I am alive and the only thing I don’t seem to trust is myself. Is that just my way? To undermine myself and whatever belief I did have. It’s simply a matter of faith and I struggle to understand that. I struggle to not believe that I can have an effect on my own life but perhaps the affect has only been that of a negative impact. That my own attitude and thinking has led me to a place of darkness where the light fears to tread. I am stuck in this place where I can’t begin to believe the future is brighter. I’m only stuck in a moment where my past is haunting me and darkness is present.
Life is a series of stumbles and falls where you have to pick yourself up constantly and surround yourself with others that help you achieve success. It seems that my life is not easy and while I try not to let the world change me often it does, little bits of myself get lost and others found. I am finding it bumpier than I usually do. The security net has been removed leaving me strangled and unsure. I need to get to this point where I can take chances for myself and not feel that every single one is wrong. To get past whatever it is that stops me from taking on that chance. Life is hard but surely it has a bigger reason for us rather than just random meanings. So I struggle but at some point it will begin to make sense. That the years make sense and reasons presents themselves. I do believe there is a plan in motion, I just need to believe that all will happen in its own time.