Play it Out

I don’t know what this thing is. Is he attracted to me? Is it something I can see and acknowledge? Or merely me listening to gossip. I hadn’t thought of him in that way until now and the thought makes me smile. It’s not wrong for this to happen, he is a sweet man that is easy to talk to. He understands the anxiety and the depression I face. But have I been blind not to see this before? Is this heading in a new direction or just a deep friendship? I don’t suppose I’d mind either way but at least it’s an upgrade from the last one. It may be my heart beating simply with a realisation that he may be attracted to me. That he has taken a shine to me simply by me being myself. I’m not to rush this I know but how does this change my thoughts? There is an actual chance it could be something more. Even more than he isn’t a frog, he is a gentleman and he talks to me as a person. I can talk back and it’s easy somewhat to do so. But now I have realised it will I be shy or simply smiley and giggly? What does my heart feel like now? Do butterflies reside in my stomach? My mind a mass of confusion?

So I’m treading on this path, continuing to be me and still attempting to take in the thing that is brewing. There was a change then that I try to ignore, he must’ve found something in me that he liked. And I may struggle beyond this, for how is it possible he feels this is beyond me? I feel a sense of stunned and shock. How had this man taken a shine to me? What did I do for him to see me this way? How was it that I gave off the light to you that you coveted it so gratefully. How does one understand flirting or attempt to find it? When he’s just as unsure as me. Is this what is happening? We’re drawing closer to each other for reasons beyond our control. Is the thing simply a part of destiny’s plan – that he is the prince disguised as an ordinary human being? Am i his princess too? I still need to find a balance, to continue my life and yet take a leap of faith at the same time.

What does it mean? That it’s taken me this long to reach this point. That he has arrived in my life now. I don’t know if he is the one but maybe it’s a chance to take time and experience this. Yes there are butterflies and a fear within me but there is also excitement. I’m afraid a part of me will be the cause of breaking his heart that my flaws are ones I’ll somehow show to him and it’ll be the end. There have been whispers that he wants to be better but how is that mean to make me feel? How did I bring upon that change? That someone wants that. To be better. Was I the one that inspired that thought? And if I did it makes me torn, I don’t want to be a catalyst if it’ll end in tears or change too much. Perhaps I’m reading it wrong though, this could be magic if I wanted. If I trusted fate and let the world make the most of the decision which I believed in.

I just need to try to find the way to continue on with my life without letting this affect me. Whatever the outcome if it becomes something or not it shouldn’t have an impact on what and who I am in this precise moment. It should just come naturally, and yet I want to force the issue somehow. I just don’t trust something within this whole thing. But I just have to let it play out without breaking any hearts including my own.

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