(N.B. This was written over a period of time, so it’s basically a bunch of thoughts over what has happened since it started)
It’s all unravelling, unfolding by a chance. I was slowly becoming used to the way my life was heading and now it’s time to reassess. Along comes the thing that I thought I would never experience and I’m stunned. I was comfortable before and now I’m changing, being driven by a spirit to him who appears to like me. This could be the chance, to have some magic, a fairy tale perhaps. It makes me think what happened? How this man came to see me in such a light. I think on some level I believed I wasn’t meant for this. Yet here he is and the interest in me astounds me. No one has ever shown that before so it surprises me. But he makes me smile and fills me with a wonderful warmth. I don’t know what it means but the journey is maybe one worth exploring. Because no matter what it ultimately means it all teaches me lessons about life and myself.
There’s a new dimension to all things that are me. There’s still a wait for confirmation but how do I get the balance? Explore whatever this is and keep the things I like as mine. I’ve been on my own for so long this transition is astounding and I fear I’ll be the one to destroy whatever is blooming. Even when it’s all revealed I have no idea how I’m going to react. I honestly don’t know how to share the part of myself he wants; my heart is guarded behind a wall with a broken key. His words are beautiful and I can feel chipping of the walls but still I am on guard expecting I’ll make a mistake. There will always be trust issues and lack of self-confidence with me. I am honest and even if I fail I’ll claim I always saw it coming from the beginning so the epic happiness feeling never remains. But he is kind and sweet and looks after me so every freak out appears to be a part of the process.
For now it’s a thing. It’s not what my reality has been. I need to find a way to balance the life I have with this exploration. I’ll have many more freak outs but I’m not going to apologise for them. I’m open to what my journey presents to me but I will stumble. I’ll just take it one day at a time and see. No massive changes please life or destiny or whatever controls all this. I’m overwhelmed and in awe but it doesn’t change me, who I am on the inside as a person or what I am. This may simply enhance the best things about me. Being appreciated for everything I am, flaws and all is an amazing feeling that brings on calm. Yet fear is there just floating beyond the surface. No matter what I say or feel it’ll always be there. It’s still a lot to take in and I am the same. But exploring this is still something I want. It’s a journey and an experience to gain lessons and live.
Isn’t life all about experiences and the lessons we gain from them. I may be comfortable with gain from them. I may be comfortable with how my life is but small challenges are maybe ones I can tackle. This is all small things adding up. But in tiny doses anything can be done. This doesn’t change that, I continue on and be amazed by all around me so if he becomes part of it how wonderful. There’s a sweetness attached it but still a bit of fear. I don’t want to change too much and yet all the questions in my mind and heart don’t ease. I need to find the balance with reality and all the dreams I have. To turn reality into my own destiny. So however this situation ends up it’s all been a blessing in the lessons I learn.
And then there’s him, the one that’s been just behind the reality and suddenly it’s all become real. Slowly building up to this wonderful thing that makes a smile appear on my face and a warm giggly sensation in my heart. How this all happened is still a mystery to me but I think I’m kind of liking this feeling so far. Who would’ve thought this would ever happen and that this caring, honest, sweet man would be the one to bring so much to my life in such a short amount of time. I’m going to trust this ride and see how I travel upon it and what happens, happens.