Lost

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My soul is disconnected and all seems to have changed. I’m drowning in a sea of people and opposing opinions. What I believed and thought I knew has shifted to some confusion. Lost in a place between who I was and this woman I am becoming. I am falling in so many ways, away from old beliefs, down a dead end road and in love for the very first real time. My world shifts constantly and half the time I simply want the darkness to win but the courage of the light consumes that want. I may feel lost but my hope pulls me through, my strength lifts me out of the darkness and I see beauty in the cracks, the small moments of life and within a broken smile. I struggle with these changes, these things I don’t understand and I’m not afraid to say so but I often doubt how strong I really am.

I feel lost with the crazy speed of life and the expectations that society sets upon me. When is the right time to say stuff it and just trust my gut? To follow my heart without any interference from my head? To step back from all the pressure and simply breathe. Take the time I need to just be and feel the elements around me. Or jump into something without considering what could happen to go wrong. Lost in thousands of thoughts swirling in my head that lead me down one road or another that often cause hassle with my heart. Leaving a part of ourselves behind has apparently become a tradition of growing up. We discard and inherit much over time and still I feel attached to the little girl and not the woman I see in my mirror. I feel this disconnect to myself my own name seeming surreal on another’s lips. I’ve lost myself to the dreams and stories. I’m not connected to my own reality and it’s not something I’m really aware of.

As I approach the third decade of my life will I look back on my second as a lost decade? I lost so much within this one and the pain has formed me. The fantasies and hopes have begun to fade. I am still somewhat lost, I’d like to believe I at least know myself better now and am partly open to new experiences but I am still a child sometimes who needs a helping hand and an encouraging word. I am lost between who I want to be and who I am becoming, between my reality and the dreams of my fantasies. I’m surrounded by thoughts of who I believed I’d be, where I thought my life would take me and how that has all turned out. There are various directions I could take, paths that could be travelled and I remain on the one I’ve always known.

I often lose myself in dark thoughts preferring to hide in a world of blankets and fiction where no one can interfere with my world. When the anxiety hits and I lose the confidence and stride I was working so well with everything crashes, falls and it appears to end the world. That’s when the stability is craved. When I’ve lost a part of myself to the darkness and it seems to win. But that does not mean that I am lost within myself. I crave stability and change isn’t something I deal with easily, yes I’m getting better but I lose it when everything piles up on top of me and I can’t connect to what truly matters or what I really want.

I get lost in the world changing, the growing apart from people I once was close to and the distance we now appear to have gained. I get lost in the future wishing for what could happen but fearing the way it may become reality and the changes I need to make now for them to happen. I am lost in a world where content bombards my face with meanings seeping into my unconscious and making me believe that I need to be that thin girl, own the latest product or be interested in the latest fad and that’s just not who I am or what I want.

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