Why am I feeling this fear? How does life bring me here? I can feel that I’m challenging myself and pushing through some fears but mostly all it takes is time. I used to fear the dark and night-time and over time that has eased. I may not be afraid of the dark now but it isn’t my favourite thing. My body erupts in fear, it lives within me. The future presents so many options and my mind runs itself in knots at all possibilities. How has life become about avoiding fear rather than accepting it and tackling it. I allow fear to overtake the part of my heart that should be saved for joy so that any substance of joy is short lived or sporadic. Why fear brings me to a strange place I do not know. Perhaps I simply need to change my mind and what fear means to me. To embrace that life is change and I can fight only so much. I put up resistance maybe because the constant seems safer.
I don’t always need to apologise but often I feel compelled to. Is there some chemical thing that makes me need to say it? A need for all to like me and remain the moniker of the nice girl. I am kind but I am not perfect by any means. I struggle with my fear of everyday and I slip apart. I begin with a simple thought and talk myself into everything that is and could go wrong. I crave stability and a want to control but the unknown is in its way beautiful. Maybe I simply fear that I don’t like myself and if I admit that I won’t’ like the answers and I’ll run, perhaps the fear is based upon uncertainty and my reaction to expecting bad news all the time. I am not someone that can jump over puddles or throw caution to the wind. I like order and structure and safety nets. I feel a need to have some sort of perfection and life isn’t that way.
I feel a fear for what’s to come and who I’ll become. I’m afraid I spent my life abusing carbs and now I’m addicted. I am afraid of change, the unexpected and the ways it takes to reach a desire. I fear so much and perhaps the greatest is loneliness and maybe I don’t know any different at all. I am simply a soul searching for something, a purpose, a reason, a mate. But within that is a deep seated worry that all I want is unattainable or remains imperfect. That all I seek may be an illusion and the truth will bring upon a new fear. I have fear of destroying myself, breaking my rules and needing to realign to a new reality. Perhaps I wish there was a magic sort of spell where one could take themselves out of their current place and see what would happen if you took the action you wanted and the consequences or reactions of said intention. Would the thing I fear the most actually turn out ok or has my thinking be correct all along.
For a moment I had a rational thought that I wanted the want, there was no fear attached at all but now my overthinking has lead me to perhaps take back that wanting thought. To resume the fear that held my heart but are the questions I’m asking myself the right ones? Has my mind simply gotten itself into such a loop since a young age that it’s hard to break that cycle of thought? Or is this fear simply a way to reach out to others for help? Or is it that I’m unable to express the extent of the fear in such a way that it’s vocal. Yet I know I have the fear and maybe it’s become a crutch for me, an excuse to not pursue something new. To keep me behind my walls without a ladder or ability to dig my way out. But anything that brings the fear but must be worth the ultimate challenge.