I wish I just had some sort of courage, to just say to hell with it all of it. And take my head off its perfect line of thinking and let it just follow my heart. The way my body wants to act should be the way I follow but my head takes the reins. There’s a thing inside me that holds me back from these remarkable things and I simply freak. I need to find some way that enables me to switch off my brain and lead blindly with my senses and the way my body feels in space. To ignore certain cravings for things my body shouldn’t be absorbing and replacing fear with excitement and hope. To believe in the beautiful future instead of preventing the dawn of it’s being by reluctant. Because I know I want these things, inside my heart I know and my body knows it too but the rational part of my brain reacts violently to this instead of simply going along for the ride and realising there’s nothing wrong with the journey I’m on.
I wish I could live my life in such a way where my worries don’t seem to affect every single day, that instead of coming up with negative thoughts, I see the exciting and new first and am contented with that but alas that just isn’t my life. I need to think everything through in such a concise way that I over-think and build things up to a point they may explode in my brain. I want to be able to say to myself it’s ok to want these things and to pursue them with eagerness and without a reaction of fear. To be the lion proudly facing the world with the courage within him instead of the scared cat I am preferring to hide in shadows and deny the changing world I am in. keeping myself locked to the strict regime I know and not being willing to take the chances and change. To be the big bold lion out in the world striding ahead with what I want without any thought of repercussions.
It takes intense courage to feel everything passionately and perhaps that is what I have, I just lack the momentum to follow through or the spark to set my creativity on fire. The blood through my veins to ignore the fear and charge ahead anyway. To feel the things I want and make them happen despite the resistance in my heart and head. To tackle all I can with something of a push rather than dwindling to the lowest thing I can think of. Yet the only words that I can say are I don’t know almost as though I am afraid to admit some horrible truth or own to the fact that growing up is happening. The twelve year old girl inside me is over taking the woman wanting to come forth and explode but I’m letting the twelve year old win. She lacks the courage to grow up and settled for whatever was safe and perhaps that’s what I’m still doing. Looking for the options of safety without believing that there was more out there.
I’ve never been very good at taking risks and letting my heart soar at least in reality, in a fantasy world I live a million lives with wings, scales and no fear of danger. But is that my problem I’m stuck in this fantasy world that I don’t realise what I actually have in front of me. The chance to take courage head on and be the lion, taking charge and heading on towards the success I want to find. Not letting the fear fester within me and causing more panic than reality. To feel the courage and blurt out my thoughts or to challenge the feeling with something sensible rather than insanity. I talk myself into positions I’d rather not be in but then I feel like I’m stuck there and I can’t be the leader I wish to be. I’ve let so many dreams slip by because I’m afraid or I’m dreading the worst outcome but once they are done I feel incredible by its existence. That I took the courage and followed this gut and heart of mine to reach something worthwhile. I hope with practice this comes easier, that I won’t need to tie myself up in so many knots to reach the outcome I want or reject the fear holding me back but use it to become better.