Everything shifts a gear and the thing I’ve been denying comes out. Either on the surface or buried deeper, so deep it was almost forgotten but in a moment it all comes out and I’m left to pick up the pieces of myself. Does it tie to a sense of worth or is it trusting another not to break me further? Or the feeling of being unable to control this thing. All I know is this is happening and it’s tearing me in pieces – maybe because it’s confronting and I don’t want to face it or I’m actually genuinely terrified. I built it up so much in my mind that I know expectations won’t match reality. This is the part where my response is to take flight, run or ignore. But all if eel right now is immense fear and the need to cry for some time, it’s not something I was really aware of and until now it didn’t present a real problem – I’d kept going with my life and thoughts were simply that, thoughts. And now the action is seeming to be impossible to ignore any longer.
If it’s such a natural thing wouldn’t it all just happen without all my issues but I know it’s not all as it seems. My issues are possibly based on something I don’t even realise. But do I really want to get to the bottom of it or is there more reason why I struggle with real intimacy, is it the way I grew up? Or my values and beliefs holding me to a standard I feel I’ll break. How it’s supposed to work I have no idea – I defy the normal societal structure and skipped what appears to be crucial teenage moments. I buried the fear yet was still aware of it too, but I still remain proud of what’s still intact. Am I just too used to waiting: for the perfect moment, for all to seem right and that’s the reason my anxiety occurs. I’m so determined that nothing go wrong, cause that may make me cringe and change my perception. Is that what it all feels like- something I could hold onto for the wrong reasons. But I can no longer deny the impact all of this is having on my current situation and life.
Everyone has said that it will come in time, but I’m such a tight ball of frustration and fear that there seems no way it could all come together. That my brain could let go and watch this unfold as a spectator. Everyone jokes about it but it’s more than jokes to me, It’s something epic and I know that eventually it’ll seem like some small thing after which the world will open up to me. This fear will somehow be the driving force towards accomplishment and a better future where fear is replaced my something else. For now I’m holding back and it’s not something I am really ready to deal with. But that’s perhaps my denial talking and I am aware that it’s there. That denying this isn’t healthy but exists within me. That change is a natural part to living but what happens after this? How does it all become so normal afterwards?