I forget sometimes, or is it that a choice I made to push things away. That someone says something and it’s not what I want to hear or I purposely push that thought away. It’s not all things and i wonder if there’s a place that contains all our forgotten memories. That place where we store our hopes and our dreams are our reality. Where fear doesn’t exist and we are able to be ourselves completely. The way I forget things and remember others is simply the way I am. I spend too much time analysing the words of others but I am a people pleaser so I often push myself in many directions before I finally break down, then the fear consumes me and I believe I am not worthy or I’m unable to be everything I seek. But the worlds run around in my head without any clear meaning. I run off with my imagination and everything compounds inside me; fear and nerves take up residence and everything turns to darkness.
I struggle with life challenges a lot of the time and forget to ask for help. I crawl into a tunnel I dug myself and hide the whole time expecting someone to save me. To be able to read my mind and fix the world. To hold me while I cry for reasons I cannot understand. I spend time on wishes I know may not be coming true. Life throws me challenges that tangle up my feelings with fear. I ponder too much on what could be and obsess about what has been. And I fixate on things that perhaps I should not. I allow fear to consume my soul, it’s all I know and all I’ve done. But now I can recognise that spiral that begins with a thought. How life can change me, how thoughts can affect my mood and expectations can change the struggle inside me.
There’s this kind of weird feeling taking me over, I want all to be perfect – the words, the house and the timing but I’m overwhelmed by a need and desire to simply let the day end. There are many hours in a day and sometimes I feel I wasted them. And again it comes to a sense of broken, how from a moment darkness can descend and seem to cripple every thought I’ve ever had of magic and light. So much I want to do, to achieve but it crashes with that sense of responsibility and what must be done to survive. There’s feelings I’d rather have and still ones that linger which I don’t want. Feelings take hold and twist me inside out leaving me worn out and tired. Expectations are illusions, we cannot live up to. All I see is a view of one sided mess. I have dreams I long to achieve, to be and goals but time is ticking. I want to just live in the moment but my mind always wanders. I stand in each moment but am I really aware of what each contains.
Emotions wash over me like rain pouring down. I feel it all and I let it overtake me. I allow myself to fall in the struggle and to fly with the success. I battle with the demons in my heart and the unrealised dreams. I feel so much fear and I run with it, letting it keep me back from my dreams and allowing it to stop me from following those dreams that can’t be achieved by a simple leap out of my comfort zone. I admit to the fear and I acknowledge its presence but at the same time I wish it wasn’t there. That I could just stamp through a field of negativity squashing all the fears in my life that aren’t truly anything to fear but simple warning signs for an anxiety ridden life. To push away the questions about life and love that appear at weird times or maybe work through these confusing thoughts.