Numbers

numbers

All the numbers are is an indication, tracking progress yet we make a big importance upon them. We are more than numbers but we struggle to believe that. This morning I had those thoughts that I wasn’t beautiful, that the numbers defined me and that was all I could be, numbers were my core and the everything. But I let those thoughts take hold and turn my mind into a spin. I let myself be taken in by all the negativity instead of remembering all the good and positive things. I am and can be. I am not the numbers, or words of another. I am learning to appreciate all of me, the flaws, imperfections and all the ways in which I have grown. I am not perfect and I won’t claim to be but I am not the numbers either. I am a soul in a world that’s still evolving, a world that is based upon numbers. That revolves around them and is intent on bringing people down and destroying them. Filling their heads with negativity and sadness.

It’s simply a moment to take to be all together and not let the numbers take you over. Be more than a number in someone’s life. To stand tall against odds and not be susceptible to all the negative energy. This morning was a time that I felt quite low, where I could’ve easily surrendered and made the day a write off, but somehow I got through it and found a way to be able to salvage the day. But moments seem to ping together, the dark thoughts bring upon an incline that is easy to stumble down and easy to succumb to. But thoughts are simply that thoughts, my reaction to some event that triggers a past memory or fear within me. I always expect the worst in most situation, I like to stay within my comfort circle, to keep what I know as the most important thing for every time I’ve tried to step outside I’ve either failed or it’s taken me a hell of a long time to reach it.

Things run through my head and numbers seem like such an important factor, the number on that scale, the number of things we own. The age at which we do certain things; walk, talk, drive, graduate, date, marry and have children. I should instead be of focusing on the numbers that truly matter, the number of feelings that consume my soul and the numbers that I lose track of, the amount of hugs from my loved ones or smiles from the little ones I care for. All numbers are is just that, numbers. A group or collection of something. As humans we have ten fingers and ten toes and that only seems to be a thing upon our birth unless something befalls us during our life to decrease the number. Maybe I don’t seem to appreciate the things I actually have until they are gone, or the opposite, what I was missing till it appears. I do have a fairly amazing life that seems to be getting better each year but numbers seem to play a factor still.

I feel I’m not living up to what the numbers are supposed to be. That I shouldn’t be where I am at almost 30, that I should be working fulltime, married with a child or two and weighing a certain amount. But while I thought I’d had it all planned at a young age nothing comes with a guarantee and by the time I reached the age I believed I would’ve married I knew that for myself I wasn’t ready not to mention the lack of a candidate for the role of husband. But perhaps the numbers are different in reality. They just become something different to the ways we anticipated. There’s no difference between lower or higher numbers. Some things require smaller amounts to be perfect and others take multiple tries to be effective.

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