And it makes me question myself, what do I really want with all of this thing called the rest of my life. Am I even aware of everything I am? Everything I could be or am I simply just taking in the ease of laziness and combined with anxiety to cause this frustrating overwhelm of control. I wonder if it’s really me this person I project to the world. Or is this the person I have just become due to all the factors around my life so far? Is this the person I was destined to be or did destiny change the fates over time. Was I meant to follow a somewhat different path or is the way it was always supposed to go? Was I always meant to question every little step or is this going to lead something else entirely. A discovery of some sort could be my legacy but is the path I’m working on leading me towards that?
I always believed that I was meant to do or be something before I found real love and that belief stuck with me but even now I’m not sure if this current path is the one that’ll help me keep him or if I’m at risk at destroying what this is. It’s been five months so far and every so often I find myself questioning what it all means, how he could see me this certain way and how he could see something deep within me that he wanted to be a part of. Perhaps I’m just not used to people being around or it’s just me questioning myself deep inside. Even through daily hurdles it’s hard for me to think there’s people I can trust beyond those in the immediate circle. It’s a process isn’t it? This belief in oneself and the people surrounding us.
Every day seems to bring within itself another set of questions that add up to more from the previous one. These run over and over in my head and I wonder what it all means. These are questions I need to discover the answers to? Ones that will keep popping up in my life until they are somehow solved or at least worked through. Every question has a reason for its existence and somehow this means it needs to be a part of our thoughts. Questions are sometimes easy to be answered and at other times it takes us on an even longer journey to discover a deeper meaning behind these questions.
And I wonder about all these people that occupy my life, they bring a reason with them I’m sure. Some are for lessons and others are to leave the imprint on our heart. And perhaps I’m scared that I’ll hold onto the wrong ones and let the right ones slip by. That my life is simply about lessons and not about keeping those I love around me. I wonder if the purpose of my life is to just be here, to support others and encourage them to seek their dreams while mine maybe just become dust. Or am I simply not aware of the dreams unfolding already for me. I’m still expecting the challenges and unable to acknowledge the good things that are happening right now. But then I wonder that if this the perfection I sought then does that mean I’m going to expect a downfall.