When a thought gets stuck in my head it drags me around and all I can do is ponder that or face it head on and confront what brought that feeling up originally. Maybe I’m trying to sense what others think and use my intuition but I can’t read other’s minds. So I need to become more comfortable with direct enquires or not even having the need to question them. And yet I know that I’m more willing to run or fly that stay and fight, the thought runs through my head and I let it stay, I let it take hold and I just want to escape it so build myself up into such a state that it comes out eventually, and usually that is the form of my emotions being out of whack. I cry and I get angry at the smallest things. And still I anticipate it and can’t talk myself down from the ledges I find myself upon.
Every second something could bring me back to the darkness where my mind begins to unravel and surprisingly I don’t spend every second chasing unknown objects down these black holes, I actually have some moments of pure joy and moments I’d want to relive. It just appears that the darkness and thoughts of flight take me so completely over that they seem more immense at times. These dark thoughts and fears that take hold are changing every time. They bubble below the surface and I’d like to think I’m pretty good at hiding them but often that’s another level I’ve built up. I can only hide so much inside.
Some say it’s easy to switch off the thoughts, that relaxation comes at an ease to most but to me there’s always the thoughts, the ones that occupy me and drive me bonkers. I can’t explain what the trigger is, a thought that spirals out of control and lands me in a pool of anxiety. It’s simply just something that works me up in such a way to tear down the carefully constructed walls for a bit but only succeeds with them being rebuilt stronger and with more obstacles to climb. Thoughts are like stones being scattered all around my mind, piling up to form pillars that keep my mind open and aware instead of allowing me to close slam the pillars down and move on from the thoughts.
Some thoughts come and go and others just stay implanted in my mind, ones I ponder and ones I keep on obsessing about. Sometimes it hurts to have these thoughts and possess such emotional connections to all my thoughts. I want to run, I want to fall, I want to make the thoughts stop spinning through my head just long enough to learn how to relax and forget the importance of them. Not all of them need to be on a rung like a ladder, they should simply float through my mind with no intention of remaining ingrained. Come and go without intentions of any sort, just enough time to work through or process their relevance.